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Old 09-07-2004, 09:47 AM
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How to Look Like an Election Season Sucker, in 10 Steps

How To Look Like an Election Season Sucker, in 10 Easy Steps


With Labor Day comes the official start of "Election Season" here in America, as we seek to elect our next president.

We've already had numerous heated political debates here on the Hotrodders Bulletin Board, and you are now sure to encounter more. You will find insightful, well-researched viewpoints put forth by some people, as well as inaccurate and carelessly researched positions by others.

I thought we might discuss how to properly research and defend your political views on the internet, but that would be boring. Instead, I figured I'd post some simple tips on how to look like the other guy -- the Election Season Sucker. Follow these 10 simple tips to ensure your reputation as a careless, gullible, clueless political sucker.


1. First things first. You'll have to turn on your caps lock, so you can type in all capital letters -- LIKE THIS. USING ALL CAPITAL LETTERS MAKES YOUR VIEWS STAND OUT IN THE CROWD, AND INCREASES THE LIKELIHOOD THAT PEOPLE WILL AGREE WITH YOU. IN FACT, JUST TURN YOUR CAPS LOCK ON RIGHT NOW, AND DON'T TURN IT OFF UNTIL THE ELECTION IS OVER. OR BETTER YET, UNTIL INAUGURATION DAY -- BUT ONLY IF YOUR CANDIDATE IS ELECTED. IF NOT, JUST LEAVE THE CAPS LOCK ON FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.

2. Remember a few short but simple political bashing slogans, like "Bush is an idiot" or "Kerry is a waffler". Insert these slogans into your posts whenever possible, not just in specific political discussions. As a quick example -- should someone happen to mention that they think a certain person is an idiot, or should someone else happen to mention that they had waffles for breakfast, you'll need to be ready to post your slogan of choice.

3. Stop reading the newspaper. Online news websites will have to go too. In a heated election such as this one, there's only one news source you can trust -- political television commercials sponsored by your preferred candidate. Once you've seen all the commercials, your next best sources are cable news (any channel), and political talk shows.

4. Don't ever offer a source for your viewpoint. Instead, just say "I heard somewhere..." or "someone told me..." or something like that. It doesn't really matter anyway -- if you heard it, it must be true.

5. Learn how to properly hijack a discussion. With a little practice, you should be able to take a discussion about anything at all, and turn it into a political discussion. The most interesting discussions are the best targets, because they have the largest number of people already reading them.

6. Acquire an assortment of politically themed pictures from the web to help strengthen your position in political discussions. Nothing clinches a debate better than a picture of the other candidate cut-and-pasted onto a pile of money, or a side-by-side comparison of the other candidate and a chimpanzee.

7. Do not under any circumstances purchase, read, discuss, or even think about any books, articles, or other information sources involving American history. The less you know about all that boring crap, the better.

8. There's no need to mention the good points about your candidate, or why you think he would make a good president. Just concentrate on bashing the other guy. Remember, elections aren't about getting your guy elected -- they're about making sure the other guy doesn't get elected.

9. Learn how to make proper use of the larger font sizes and brighter colors at your disposal. If someone ever makes a really good point that could prove you wrong, you'll need to know how to bust out the [SIZE=4][COLOR=red]S[/COLOR][COLOR=silver]U[/COLOR][COLOR=blue]P[/COLOR][COLOR=red]E[/COLOR][COLOR=silver]R[/COLOR] [COLOR=blue]L[/COLOR][COLOR=red]A[/COLOR][COLOR=silver]R[/COLOR][COLOR=blue]G[/COLOR][COLOR=red]E[/COLOR] [COLOR=silver]R[/COLOR][COLOR=blue]E[/COLOR][COLOR=red]D[/COLOR] [COLOR=silver]W[/COLOR][COLOR=blue]H[/COLOR][COLOR=red]I[/COLOR][COLOR=silver]T[/COLOR][COLOR=blue]E[/COLOR] [COLOR=red]A[/COLOR][COLOR=silver]N[/COLOR][COLOR=blue]D[/COLOR] [COLOR=red]B[/COLOR][COLOR=silver]L[/COLOR][COLOR=blue]U[/COLOR][COLOR=red]E[/COLOR][/SIZE] letters. Works like a charm.

10. Remember: if someone disagrees with you, it's because they're stupid. The smart people are the ones that agree with you. One day, we'll all live in a perfect world where everyone thinks and acts exactly like you. But we'll never reach that day without you telling everyone that disagrees with you how stupid they truly are.

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Old 09-07-2004, 10:26 AM
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That's pretty good, lol. Did you write that or find it somewhere?
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Old 09-07-2004, 10:29 AM
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Very funny Jon,

Problem is I can see some truth to that as we are currently in a federal election year too, Man I hate Politicians.

I say dont vote for them... it only encourages them.

Craig
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Old 09-07-2004, 11:46 AM
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Thanks guys -- I wrote it over the weekend. Figured I could try to alleviate some of the impending madness by poking fun at it. I thought it might get passed around though, so I snuck in "here on the Hotrodders Bulletin Board" in the second paragraph, so people know it's ours.
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Old 09-07-2004, 12:58 PM
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This is the best place to have a huge debate because it will always be at the top of the page, you know, that way the Republicans won't have any trouble finding it.
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Old 09-07-2004, 02:32 PM
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BRAVO, JON (oops, there goes the cap lock thing)
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Old 09-07-2004, 06:42 PM
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Words of wisdom. Are you sure you're only 27 years old? Dan
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Old 09-07-2004, 06:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by klassik100
I say dont vote for them... it only encourages them.

Craig

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Old 09-07-2004, 07:12 PM
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the unfortunate truth is that is a pretty realistic view of what politics has become, i think it's pretty sad.
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Old 09-07-2004, 08:20 PM
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Ive ate WAFFLES with IDIOTS.Ummmmm,Waffles.
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Old 09-07-2004, 08:54 PM
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Thanks Jon. You hit a couple of nails on the head.

I read this board to enjoy my hobby, not to have someone try to shovel their politics on me. I PM'd a member about one of his statements and he didn't have the courtesy to reply.

Until the election is over...

Signed,

War Criminal
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Old 09-07-2004, 09:02 PM
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KERRY IS AN IDIOT!
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Old 09-08-2004, 09:48 AM
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BUSH IS AN AIRHEAD!!

I HEARD HE ONLY STARTED THE WAR IN IRAQ TO MAKE HIS DADDY PROUD WHO NEVER FINISHED THE WAS HE STARTED IN IRAQ COUPLE OF YEARS AGO!










[SIZE=4] [COLOR=red]REPUBLICANS[/COLOR] [COLOR=silver]ARE[/COLOR] [COLOR=blue]STUPID!![/COLOR] [/SIZE]



MIKE
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Old 09-08-2004, 10:37 AM
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You can not classify all Republicans as stupid,just as you cant classify all Democrats as stupid or all Independants as stupid.Do your homework,go to the polls and VOTE on who will be the best at running this country for the next 4 years.It is important to vote if you are able to.I dont mean that if someone is of legal voting age to just go do it for fun.Do not go and vote for a candidate just because your dad is voting for this guy or your grandmother is voting for the other guy.Use your head and vote wisely,Alot of bad things can happen in 4 years.I am not posting my political views on here because it can turn ugly quick.Just do some research before you cast your vote this November.
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Old 09-08-2004, 09:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by RCastle
,Alot of bad things can happen in 4 years.
I noticed.
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