baltimore humor for you
I got this in an e-mail at work
I know this is long...but it is sooo funny and soooo true....I love
First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Bawl-a-mer, or
Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live North or South of Route 40.
Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and
buy a new one. If near Howard County and your map is one day old, it is
On Monday you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a
meal, you don't wash you hands, you warsh them in a zink with wudder.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baltimore has its own
version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing
as a dangerous high speed chase in Baltimore. We all drive like that.
All directions start with "The Beltway"...which has no beginning and no
end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified
by an "inner" and an "outer" designation, raising comparison of the
beltway being the big belly-button of the city.
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from
1 to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If there is a ball game at either stadium, there is no point in
attempting to go anywhere south of downtown until the following day.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed
out and possibly shot. However, when you are first in line at a red
light, count to five when the light turns green before proceeding to
avoid being T-boned by all five of the drivers running the red light in
cross-traffic.(However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns
green, you get the horn.)
Precipitation causes an immediate 50 point drop in IQ in all other
drivers on the road. Winter precipitation causes an immediate 100 point
drop in IQ.
Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of
entertainment. Very interesting that it's called "an Interstate," but
runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been
torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does Former Governor
Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?)
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in
GLIMBURNIE! (Glen Burnie)"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
All old ladies with blue hair in Buicks have the right of way. Period.
Even if they are in the left lane of I-97 oblivious to the fact that
the speed limit is 65 not 55.
All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
If asking directions in Ellicott City or Columbia, you must know how to
speak Korean. If in Randallstown, ebonics will be your best bet. If you
stop to ask directions in Brooklyn...well, just don't.
A trip across town (north or south) will take a minimum of four hours,
although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open, but
never on holiday weekends.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is
considered downright sissy.
The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right
lane because no self-respecting Maryland driver would ever be caught
driving in the "slow" lane...no matter how slowly they are driving (see
blue haired old ladies above)
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat"
lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. All
mini-vans, particularly if filled with children, also have priority
clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most
comfortable multi-tasking in.
If it's 10 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees,it's
opening day at the Ravens Stadium.
If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+, it's May, June,
July, August, September and sometimes October.
If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens
Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500 for damages, towing fees,
parking tickets etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during the
Preakness, run him over. It's probably not his yard, anyway.
WELCOME TO BAWLMER, HON!
Sound's a lot like the traffic I used to run into in DC. I was in the NAVY and ran to DC weekly for what ever reason the chief said. CRAZY people....spooky people....hateful people...except when they got drunk then they were just funny to watch!!
Rat Rods Rule!
Sounds like Atlanta too, only the languages are mixikin and hobo-ebonics. All directions begin with Peachtree Street or the Big Chicken. I285 is our daily Nascar style crash up derby.
Driving in Baltimore is just training for D.C. Once you get used to sitting in traffic for no apparent reason, you graduate to D.C.
That's some funny stuff.
You all southern boys need to take a trip down the Brooklyn Queens Expressway (BQE for short) in N.Y.C. at 3:00am in the morning with bumper to bumper traffic as far as the eye can see. I used to make trips to visit my relatives in Virginia all the time and did most of my driving overnight. You definitely didn't want to miss your exit and get stuck doing a loop around DC.
Makes me miss my old hometown Hon. Today is a great day as my Uncle is coming up from B-More and bringing a couple dozen steamed crabs with him.
Baltimore is cool, because the haircut you had when you were 18 is the one you keep for the rest of your life. 70 year old women with giant beehive hairdos, and old men with Johnny Unitas flat tops. Good old Mob Town. If you are passing through Dundalk, stop by Captain Harveys for a sub and then proceed to Fells' Point for a night of drunken lewdness.
Being in Baltimore, I will vouch for every one of those.
Except for the construction on 97. That seems to be done now.
And yes, if you happen upon Dundalk, and like to eat, go to Captain Harvey's for a cheese steak. You'll be full for a week.
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