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  #136 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2008, 08:11 AM
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A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies: ' I have been playing in the sand box'.
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'.
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says: 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies: 'Playing with Becky in the sand box'.
'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'.
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says: 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'.
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit...'

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  #137 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2008, 08:12 AM
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A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your willy is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
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  #138 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2008, 10:34 AM
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  #139 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2008, 11:41 AM
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I decided it's time I buy a new car. I found one I kinda like, and it fits my budget quite well.
It's called a Rolls K'Nardly.
Yup...Rolls right down a hill...and k'nardly get up the next!


While researching all the makes and models-- both new and used, I discovered a simple to follow guide to automobile classified advertising. Here it is....

MUST SELL
before it blows up.

RUNS FINE
I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.

NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
was side-swiped by a Winnebago.

WELL-MAINTAINED
I changed the oil occasionally.

LOOKS LIKE NEW
just don't try to drive it anywhere.

ALL ORIGINAL
I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

LOADED WITH OPTIONS
each one more troublesome than the next.

NEVER SMOKED IN
unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

PROJECT CAR
doesn't run.

LOTS OF POTENTIAL
doesn't run.

NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
doesn't run.



Boy, I'm so glad I bought my Rolls K'Nardly...



In a while, Chet.
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  #140 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2008, 11:58 AM
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And now, I'm going to post some daily health/ fitness advice for your reading pleasure. One tidbit per day until my advice backfires....


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


In a while, Chet.
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  #141 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2008, 04:38 PM
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Ad of the year!

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  #142 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2008, 09:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schnitz
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start it up.
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if praying.
6. Then hit this link.



http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf



In a while, Chet.
Bookmarked......Thats Goood

Shane
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  #143 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2008, 01:10 AM
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A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
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  #144 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2008, 07:28 AM
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Daily health and wellness Q & A.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. So, eat more meat, err, vegetables....


In a while, Chet.
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  #145 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2008, 10:21 AM
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After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."



One week later, The Kerryman, a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in a peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."
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  #146 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2008, 04:50 PM
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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realises Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," said the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It taught those Indians not to screw with the Lone Ranger."
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  #147 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 12:26 AM
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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.
When the examination was complete, he said, 'Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.'
'Well, in plain English,' the doctor replied, 'you're just plain lazy.'
'Okay,' said the man. 'Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife'.
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  #148 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 01:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.
When the examination was complete, he said, 'Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.'
'Well, in plain English,' the doctor replied, 'you're just plain lazy.'
'Okay,' said the man. 'Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife'.

That medical term would be LEADISITUS [ deffination]
when the Iron in your blood turns to lead in your A S S
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  #149 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 08:21 AM
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Daily health and wellness Q & A.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

In a while, Chet.
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  #150 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 09:12 AM
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From my email....

This man wakes up after some special tests in a private room at the
hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone.
"We have the results back from the lab. I'm sorry to report that you
have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."
"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS, and Herpes," explains the
doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you in isolation and give you a strict diet
of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas, and pita bread," says the doctor
matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?" "Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the
only food that will fit under the door."



Later, mikey
__________________
my signature lines...not really directed at anyone in particular..

BE different....ACT normal.

No one is completely useless..They can always be used as a bad example
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