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  #1486 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2010, 10:47 AM
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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET12659 ---
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

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  #1487 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2010, 03:12 PM
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Little Johnny joke on Obama

Teacher asked for everyone to raise their hands if they were Obama fans like her. Not really knowing what an Obama fan was, the whole class raised their hands to be in good standing with the teacher, all except little Johnny.
Teacher asked him why he didn't raise his hand. Little Johnny says, cause I'm not an Obama fan.
She asked why he wasn't an Obama fan. He says, cause I'm a Republican.
She asked him why he was a Republican. He says, cause my Dads is a Republican and my Mom is a Republican.
Annoyed with his answer, she asks, If your Dad was an Idiot and your Mom was a Moron, what would that make you?
Little Johnny's reply, Probably an Obama fan.
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  #1488 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2010, 05:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OLNOLAN
DBM, soft boiled eggs only take about three minutes, get it? Haa, Nolan
I guess what I'm tring to say is my wife dont need a timer ....the eggs never hit the pan she throws them at me .....raw...Thank god for the drive through...
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  #1489 (permalink)  
Old 05-05-2010, 02:58 PM
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Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.


An old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside.. " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
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  #1490 (permalink)  
Old 05-05-2010, 06:50 PM
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this is from the desk of WR,, I like this guy







SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST



An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman

who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.




In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;

YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT

A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
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  #1491 (permalink)  
Old 05-05-2010, 08:22 PM
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
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  #1492 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2010, 01:32 AM
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Fire Fighter Girl

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet, and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with a smile.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully.

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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  #1493 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2010, 02:37 AM
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if this doesnt bring a smile to your face, you aint got no sense of humour, imho.
I teared up it was so awesome the father and son relationship!

funny as

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg

later gator
russ
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  #1494 (permalink)  
Old 05-10-2010, 02:20 PM
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This one's for Brian !
Sure hope he can take a joke !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql-N3...layer_embedded
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  #1495 (permalink)  
Old 05-11-2010, 09:24 AM
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For all of you out there in America and across the globe who have fought so hard to tackle the hideous enemy of our planet, namely carbon emissions named "Climate Change" or "Global Warming", there is some really bad news that will be very painful for you to process. But it is my duty to pass it on to you anyway.

Are you sitting down?

Okay, here ' s the bombshell. The current volcanic eruption going on in Iceland, since it first started spewing volcanic ash a week ago, has, to this point, NEGATED EVERY SINGLE EFFORT you have made in the past five years to control CO2 emissions on our planet. Not only that, this single act of God has added emissions to the earth estimated to be 42 times more than can be corrected by the extreme human regulations proposed for annual reductions.

It ' s very disheartening to realize that all of the carbon emission savings you have accomplished while suffering the inconvenience and expense of driving Prius hybrids, buying fabric grocery bags, sitting up til midnight to finish your kid ' s "The Green Revolution" science project, throwing out all of your non-green cleaning supplies, using only two squares of toilet paper, putting a brick in your toilet tank reservoir, selling your SUV and speedboat, going on vacation to a city park instead of Yosemite, nearly getting hit every day on your bicycle, replacing all of your $1 light bulbs with $10 light bulbs ...well, all of those things you have done have all gone down the tubes in just the past week.

The volcanic ash emitted into the Earth ' s atmosphere in the past week has totally erased every single effort you have made to reduce the evil beast, carbon. And, those hundreds of thousands of American jobs you helped move to Asia with expensive emissions demands on businesses... you know, the ones that are creating even more emissions than when they were creating American jobs, well that must seem really worthwhile now.

I ' m so sorry. And I do wish that there was some kind of a silver lining to this volcanic ash cloud but the fact of the matter is that the brush fire season across the western U.S.A. will start in about two months and those fires will negate your efforts to reduce carbon emissions in our world for the next two years.

So, grab a Beverage, give the world a hug, and have a nice day!
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  #1496 (permalink)  
Old 05-11-2010, 04:21 PM
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Dawson is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette. “Kid, you're too young to smoke,” he says.

Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.
Dawson asks, “Son, how old are you?”

“Six,” says Little Johnny says.

Stunned, Dawson says, “Six!? When did you start smoking?”

“Right after the first time I had sex,” Johnny replies.

“Right after the first time you had sex?” exclaims Dawson. “When was that?”

Little Johnny takes a drag off his cigarette, looks up, and says “I don't remember. I was drunk at the time."
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  #1497 (permalink)  
Old 05-12-2010, 12:31 PM
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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother --
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made...and
it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would've even made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk
swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, "because as the hawk
started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of
his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the *****n' putt, didn't you?"
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  #1498 (permalink)  
Old 05-13-2010, 07:08 PM
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An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No," she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, they finish and exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was not so bad. So what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
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  #1499 (permalink)  
Old 05-13-2010, 07:39 PM
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Thats Good Dinger!

I remembered a good one today, Lumber mill puts out a want ad for a lumber grader. This was back in the day mind you. A man of color applied for the job. Boss says, Man what you know about wood? Man says, I know anything there is about lumber. Boss man says, well I'm gonna test you with a blindfold. Man smells his first sample and says,thats oak from the feel #1. Boss hands him a second sample, thats hardwod pine. After the boss went through a half a dozen samples, the Man got all of them right, with a blindfold. The Boss being a bit bigot, he slips off with a sample slab and tells his secretary to run this between your legs and around your butt to throw this man off, I'm not sure I want to hire him. When the Man smelled the wood, he was thrown off. He told the boss man, this has got me a little confused, It's either puzzywillow or a slab off of an old country outhouse, but I can't tell. Boss man says ,never mind, you got the job, brother.
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Old 05-14-2010, 05:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OLNOLAN
I remembered a good one today, Lumber mill puts out a want ad for a lumber grader. This was back in the day mind you. A man of color applied for the job. Boss says, Man what you know about wood? Man says, I know anything there is about lumber. Boss man says, well I'm gonna test you with a blindfold. Man smells his first sample and says,thats oak from the feel #1. Boss hands him a second sample, thats hardwod pine. After the boss went through a half a dozen samples, the Man got all of them right, with a blindfold. The Boss being a bit bigot, he slips off with a sample slab and tells his secretary to run this between your legs and around your butt to throw this man off, I'm not sure I want to hire him. When the Man smelled the wood, he was thrown off. He told the boss man, this has got me a little confused, It's either puzzywillow or a slab off of an old country outhouse, but I can't tell. Boss man says ,never mind, you got the job, brother.
The ****house door off a tuna boat.....LMAO
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