Boudreaux showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Boudreaux had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass the priest caught up to Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, but what made you come?"
Boudreaux said, "I got to be honest with you Father; a while back I misplaced my hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that Thibodeaux had one just like mine, and I knew that Thibodeaux came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Thibodeaux had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Thibodeaux's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Boudreaux, I notice that you didn't steal Thibodeaux's hat. What changed your mind?"
Boudreaux said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Thibodeaux's hat."
The priest gave Boudreaux a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shall Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Boudreaux shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my hat.
Why I Love Poetry
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big hooters who owns a bar on a golf course and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a dang
I hope that Y'all don't mind, but I entered all the members names in a draw for a 7-Day, 6-Night cruise.
No sales people will call or bother you in any way.
It's on the fabulous new Gypsy Queen Cruise Line ship, The ' Dixie Belle'.
All airfares, transfers, food and drinks included - with dinner at the Captain's table as his personal guest.
Good luck, I hope you win!
Photos of the ship are shown below....
Boy, I wish I was going with you. If you win, make sure to send pictures.
Your live-in hostesses, will take good care of you.
Nothing is too good for my friends!
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus..'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, What are the three tests? You must pay first...
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender stuffs it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
There's a Pit Bull chained in the back with a Bad Tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had Sex...
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender......
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
'Now where's that Old Woman with the Bad Tooth?'
Superman has the hots for Wonder Woman & sure would like to poke her, but she's not having it.
Supe tries & tries again to get next to her, only to be rebuffed time & time again.
Supe thinks, "Ya know, I'm really fast! I bet I could swoop down there & knock off a piece & be gone before she ever knew anything happened." It's a plan.
Later he's out flying around & looks in her apartment window, and there she is. He's astonished! It's like the Super Power Gods have endorsed his plan. She's lying on her bed, butt-naked, legs splayed out, wanton look on her face - the whole works. If this isn't a sign from on high, Superman doesn't know what is.
He swoops down at warp speed, right into the saddle, & pokes her good before flying away without her realizing he's been there.
"What was that!?", Wonder Woman exclaims.
The Invisible Man says, "I didn't see anything, but my butt hurts like hell!"
Fridays In Hell
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Louisiana Ghost Story
This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 2057,
Just outside of Dulac, a little town in
The bayou country of Louisiana , and while
It sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
A Michigan businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his
Disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted
To hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle
Of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars
Went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly
See his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving
Slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the
Rain. It slowly and silently crept
Toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a
Ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door.
Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the
Wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept silently forward and Saul
Was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and
Running.. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp
Curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to
Pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost
Car would go off the road and into the bayou and
He would then drown!
But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared
At the driver's window, reached in and
Turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely
Around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand
Disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand
Reappear every time they reached a curve.
Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he
Could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar called Fishermen’s Point.
Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black,
And then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
The room became silent and everybody got goose
Bumps when they realized Saul was telling the
Truth (and not just some drunk).
About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked
Into Fisherman’s Point and one says to the other,
"Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car
When we wuz pushin' it in the rain!!!"
Liver & Cheese!
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but they end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," says the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says, "How well can you do?"
"Um ... I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.
"My, my," says the poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab, and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
The Vibrating Husband
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
MURDER AT WALMART
Tired of constantly
being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided
to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife
with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend'
put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the
name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie
insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the
dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded
to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to
strangle the produce manager as well.
unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security
cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately
called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,
including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband
who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared...
going to hate me for this..
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'
groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped
friends and then send it on to you.
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
A lunatic breaks into kitchen at large mansions.
He surprises a servant girl doing her chores, overpowers her
and has his way with her.
Hearing the sirens close at hand he makes good his escape.
Headlines next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts."
A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep ****.'
|humor, off topic|
|Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)|
|Thread||Thread Starter||Forum||Replies||Last Post|
|400 SBC Daily Driver Buildup||31rdster||Engine||22||06-01-2009 11:51 AM|
|Good God I'm bored! Read this or die, its funny.||killerformula||Off-Topic||30||05-06-2009 02:08 PM|
|Funny ha ha funny funny.||coldknock||Off-Topic||12||05-03-2009 07:15 AM|
|Daily funny||Kevin45||Off-Topic||7||10-29-2007 08:22 PM|
|Daily funny||Kevin45||Off-Topic||1||06-25-2007 06:49 PM|