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  #1516 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2010, 07:02 PM
pigjamelectric's Avatar
oldsmobile compatible
 
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For your coffee break...


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  #1517 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2010, 09:30 AM
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CANNIBAL:-- Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:-- The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:-- A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:-- Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:-- Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:-- Cold Storage.

INFLATION:-- Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:-- An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:-- Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:-- Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:-- A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:-- The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:-- One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:-- An honest opinion openly expressed.

and last but not least.....

WRINKLES:-- Something other people have,similar to my character lines
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  #1518 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2010, 12:41 AM
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I'd just come out of a SuperMarket with a roasted chicken, french fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer. A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, 'I've not eaten for two days'I told him 'I wish I had your will power'
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  #1519 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2010, 04:45 PM
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i was walking out of a supermarket the other day and a homeless man said to me as i walked past, "any change mister?" i replied, no change mate, still got the flash house and all my flash cars, and my bit on the side too! sooo no change!
lmfao
later gator
russ
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  #1520 (permalink)  
Old 05-25-2010, 10:12 AM
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One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "*****cat".

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his wife (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said, 'Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more'. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN.
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  #1521 (permalink)  
Old 05-26-2010, 09:27 AM
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Teachers
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others
.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
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  #1522 (permalink)  
Old 05-26-2010, 10:59 AM
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What a beautiful story.. This should be shared with everyone..





Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'.
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting.
And played golf a lot and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.
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  #1523 (permalink)  
Old 05-26-2010, 04:13 PM
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Oil Change instructions

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Lube Shop when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy and broke it.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!
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  #1524 (permalink)  
Old 05-26-2010, 07:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
What a beautiful story.. This should be shared with everyone..
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'.
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting.
And played golf a lot and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.
That was me for 17 years! That is a beautiful story.
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  #1525 (permalink)  
Old 05-26-2010, 08:29 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Brings tears to my eyes
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  #1526 (permalink)  
Old 05-26-2010, 10:24 PM
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older aliensaid, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drewhis ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come inpeace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't wantto do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.

'Rubbish, replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, greenhead.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
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  #1527 (permalink)  
Old 05-27-2010, 06:47 AM
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Female Aliens

Warning, female aliens have been kidnapping men with big peckers.
















I've been looking over my shoulder all week.


















You have nothing to fear, I was just sending you a message to say goodbye.
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  #1528 (permalink)  
Old 05-27-2010, 09:06 AM
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The Bus Ride



Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend

trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and

the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

having a great time, when one of them realized she

hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She

decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the

Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,

clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?

We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard

and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'
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  #1529 (permalink)  
Old 05-27-2010, 09:09 AM
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The Penis Study

In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the U.S. published the study, Sweden decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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  #1530 (permalink)  
Old 05-27-2010, 01:37 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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