Just lost an old dear friend from Scotland last month and everytime I hear the word Kilt, I think of him and smile !
A lady asked him one time "what was worn under his Kilt?" and he replied "Mam there's nothing worn under there. I'ts all in good condition !"
News Flash!-just In-bp Has Capped The Oil Leak
Just got word that BP has capped the oil leak, they put a wedding ring on it and it stopped putting out!
The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said....
'Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground...'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one..'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Last edited by blue54; 06-10-2010 at 11:28 AM. Reason: Fix inproper word
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart
muahahahahahaha, funniest post for ages
The Good Stuff
Little Johnny's Sister
Little Johnny's sister Sally came home from school with a big smile on her face.
She told her Mother, Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!
Before her Mother could raise a concern, Sally said, It looked like a peanut!
Relaxing with a hidden smile her Mother says, Really small, was it?
Sally says, No, but it was really salty!
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor...
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, ' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
One day a 5ft 4 in Irishman entered the lift in his hotel and just as the
doors were closing a big pair of Black Hands forced them open and the
Biggest Black Man he had ever seen walked into the lift. Paddy couldn't
believe his eyes!
He stared at the man who gently smiled back at him, then this man said in a
big booming voice. :Six Feet Seven! 250 pounds! Penis twelve inches,
testicles a half a pound each! 'TURNER BROWN'!
Paddy fainted! and a few minutes later he woke up with the Big Man standing
'I'm Sorry' The man said, It's just that I am always asked for my vital
statistics and I thought I would give them to you before you asked me!
I am 6 feet 7 inches tall, my private part is 12 inches long, my balls
weigh over a half a pound each and my name is Turner Brown!
'Sweet Jesus Christ'!! Paddy said, 'I thought you said 'TURN AROUND'!!!!
A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio . The Texas Dept. of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher,
"There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to—the half-wit," said the agent.
"That would be me," replied the rancher.
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy said, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ***, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? -
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their
own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see
them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if
they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why
we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come
dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers
with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST
GO GET HER.. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I
DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their
Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
Yumpin Yiminee, Olga! Vat happend to yer skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Vell' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford
any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! And why for the love of God aren't you wearin' knickers?'
She replies, 'And would you tell me how I can afford any on the money you give me?'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'Aye, then fer the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
Sheikh's Son (Nasser) goes to Germany to study. A month later, Nasser sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive at college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
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