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  #1576 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2010, 09:20 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical(SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical(SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.




SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

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  #1577 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2010, 09:26 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Women over 50 !
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50.


60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS) “As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She goes and does something, she wants to do, & it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
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  #1578 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2010, 10:13 AM
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The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this s**t but me."
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  #1579 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2010, 10:26 PM
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A short story

Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the
three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the
greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times

my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!











Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
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  #1580 (permalink)  
Old 06-25-2010, 12:04 AM
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Gennaro walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...

it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,

But how do you know?'

Gennaro answers,

'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance,
and after a few minutes he asks,
'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers,

'Yes, Gennaro, I do,

But how do you know that?'

He replies,

'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes...
How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over
and the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face
turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,

Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight...'

Gennaro gasps,

'Thanka God ...

I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
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  #1581 (permalink)  
Old 06-25-2010, 08:19 AM
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Crack

ROTFLMAOBIFOMC

GO DINGER!
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  #1582 (permalink)  
Old 06-25-2010, 11:07 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes, " said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes, " echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

Then I would say,"It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something ****ty that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the ****ty taste out of your mouth."
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  #1583 (permalink)  
Old 06-28-2010, 06:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Just lost an old dear friend from Scotland last month and everytime I hear the word Kilt, I think of him and smile !

A lady asked him one time "what was worn under his Kilt?" and he replied "Mam there's nothing worn under there. I'ts all in good condition !"
OMG Wratch ,Thats sooo funny ,and just like a scottsman too,something my grandpa would definitely say. Sorry about your friend but making people laugh about something he siad or did would put a smile on his face and know he had a good life.....and at least one good friend....what more could anyone ask for... I'll toast one to him tonight...and grandpa
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  #1584 (permalink)  
Old 06-28-2010, 08:11 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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How True How True !
Even in his darkest days and last year of hospital visits,
he was "ALWAYS" a Ray of Sunshine and Laughter.
His passing left a Hole in my Heart but it was filled with
LAUGHTER !

End of hi-jack
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  #1585 (permalink)  
Old 06-28-2010, 12:51 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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What have you got under your kilt ?
Put your hand up and find out.
OOOOH ! it´s gruesome.
Put your hand back, it grewsome more.
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  #1586 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2010, 06:36 AM
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Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Englishmen cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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  #1587 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2010, 06:46 AM
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Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.

When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!"

"Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.

"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
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  #1588 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2010, 06:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger
A short











Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
DANG!!!! Got me again Dinger....LOL
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  #1589 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2010, 10:22 AM
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Lol This site I'm sharing is for State Farm is pretty funny.. http://whyagent.com The guy has some pretty funny catch phrases like.. "WHY?" should you care about State Farm's new website? Because monkeys with infrared sensors will hurt you if you don't." lol
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  #1590 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2010, 05:26 PM
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I love the old fashioned flat screen TV in the background
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