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  #1591 (permalink)  
Old 06-30-2010, 10:30 PM
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A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ."
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."

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  #1592 (permalink)  
Old 07-01-2010, 10:11 AM
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The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage!


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her
nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for
the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
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  #1593 (permalink)  
Old 07-03-2010, 12:37 PM
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The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounce.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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  #1594 (permalink)  
Old 07-05-2010, 09:20 AM
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A new Supermarket opened in Aurora, Colorado.. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain..

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows lowing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay..

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats..

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite..

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying..

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies..

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore..
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  #1595 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2010, 09:00 AM
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What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? * Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? * Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? * Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? *
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) * ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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  #1596 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2010, 11:44 AM
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Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things any way.

************************************************** ******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

************************************************** ******
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

************************************************** ******
God's Problem Now.

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there now".
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  #1597 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2010, 09:43 AM
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes
back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I
swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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  #1598 (permalink)  
Old 07-12-2010, 09:09 AM
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A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

A fisherman went fishing one morning, and after a short time he ran out of
worms. He saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass
bait.


Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, the
fisherman grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in
his bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he
grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its
mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. The snake was then released
into the lake without incident and the man carried on fishing using the
frog.



A little later, the man felt a nudge on his foot. There was that same
snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
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  #1599 (permalink)  
Old 07-12-2010, 06:12 PM
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Dawson went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. Dawson was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.

Dawson said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day Alaska cruise.

Dawson was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
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  #1600 (permalink)  
Old 07-12-2010, 08:10 PM
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.


FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...


"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
(I don't care who you are, that's funny).
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  #1601 (permalink)  
Old 07-12-2010, 10:26 PM
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I fell right into that one. ROTFLMAO
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  #1602 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2010, 04:31 AM
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A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her the bathroom was being renovated but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.....

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy ****.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"
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  #1603 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2010, 04:34 AM
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Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
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  #1604 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2010, 04:39 AM
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The American: businesslike, unwilling to be distracted.

The Canadian: self-absorbed and disconnected from reality.



The Italian and the French: "LOOK AT THAT ***!"
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  #1605 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2010, 04:45 AM
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman






How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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