A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher. 'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?' The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.' The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.' The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.' The preacher said, 'I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.' The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.
Blue, that was funny stuff! My Mom hated cussing, when she slipped she would say to me "Danny, you could make the Pope cuss!"
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
My favorite "Preacher Joke" Blue - - - thanks for the laugh
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went..
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Her diary / His diary
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at
a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked
him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home , I told him that I loved him. He
smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know
why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home , I felt as if I had
lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.He just
sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Boat wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane..I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any Odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he Said. How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes '.
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her class by
saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
stand up!' A fter a few seconds, Little Larry
stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're
stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see
you standing there all by
watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?'
he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his
mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving
math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry
quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon
kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of
a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The
detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry
asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture ? "
Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to
horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs and rump, and chest. A fter a few minutes,
Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His
father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in
good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried,
said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
California Love Story.
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex,
she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles,
something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied,
"I Really Miss Mine!"
As we approach the end of another month - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I canít use the remote in a hotel room because I donít know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I canít sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking oneís nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I canít touch any womanís purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresaís Novena has granted my every wish.
I canít have a drink in a bar because Iíll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I canít eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I canít use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and rust.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnít crawl in my back seat when Iím filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ĎUnder Godí on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I canít boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face when I stir in my sugar... Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I canít use anyoneís toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ***.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canít ever pick up a quarter dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I canít do any gardening because Iím afraid Iíll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you donít send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborís ex-mother-in-lawís second husbandís cousinís best friendís beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Donít bother taking it off now, itís too late .
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that the bacteria splashes over 15 ft. out of the toilet.
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers , Florida .
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his
blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir,
how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely,"
she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like ***** cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her,
tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
One day, Boudreaux was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Thibodeaux driving a brand new pickup.
Boudreaux pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Thibodeaux", where'd you git that truck?'
'Tammie give it to me.' Thibodeaux replied.
'She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'
'Well, Boudreaux, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on de levee, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
"Thibodeaux", take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck!'
"Boudreaux", you a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'
Aussie stockmanís honeymoon.
An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
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