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  #1621 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2010, 12:01 PM
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Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.


THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.






But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.




The second prince brought diamonds.





He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.


:-[



The third prince approached. He told the princess,

'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.









She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.






Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)












M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

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  #1622 (permalink)  
Old 08-02-2010, 04:20 PM
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Couple In Their Nineties…

Are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Senior Citizen…

Said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'
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  #1623 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2010, 09:08 PM
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Screen Warning

Hey Blue, You need to issue screen warnings to keep folks from spitting. Nolan
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  #1624 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2010, 03:43 PM
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Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently

got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the
family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father's day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.

It was around then the fight started........................................... ..................................

later gator
russ
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  #1625 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2010, 06:31 PM
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An Old Man, A Boy And A Donkey...

An old man, a boy and a donkey, were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.' So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

...Kiss your A&& goodbye!

Last edited by blue54; 08-04-2010 at 06:32 PM. Reason: Correct spelling
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  #1626 (permalink)  
Old 08-09-2010, 10:40 AM
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This has been around for awhile, for the guys that haven't seen it:

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A... Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army..


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
__________________
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #1627 (permalink)  
Old 08-11-2010, 10:44 PM
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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
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  #1628 (permalink)  
Old 08-18-2010, 11:29 AM
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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the $@*t inside!"
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  #1629 (permalink)  
Old 08-18-2010, 03:43 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Joke of the year.








Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.






A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
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  #1630 (permalink)  
Old 08-19-2010, 04:53 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Blonde Joke of the Year


A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.


Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.





She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it,


You can smell the ocean.'
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  #1631 (permalink)  
Old 08-20-2010, 08:59 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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I'm not sure who this woman is?











But apparently she knows you…
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  #1632 (permalink)  
Old 08-24-2010, 09:44 AM
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PARKING TICKET

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a butt-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.. It's important at our age.
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  #1633 (permalink)  
Old 08-24-2010, 10:46 AM
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This is so mystical and deep.
Truly beautiful...








A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.


He replied, "She called Five Horses".






The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"



The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...








NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
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  #1634 (permalink)  
Old 08-24-2010, 05:19 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Subject: Bob the Chicken................




Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.

'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.



As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"BOB, wake up! You craped the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
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  #1635 (permalink)  
Old 08-25-2010, 09:46 AM
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The Bridge







A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.



God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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