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  #151 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 09:35 AM
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Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?


Here is a little test that will help you decide.
"Scenario"
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

Democrat's Answer
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer
BANG!


Redneck's Answer
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist!"


(If I offended your political leanings - oh well, too bad )

Dave W

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  #152 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 09:46 AM
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Awww Dave, you offended my inner Democrat..Waaaaaa.

Idea for a stocking stuffer...



I heard that Valo corp wanted powertv to market this thing, but when they found out that Ssssnakey'lissa was going to model it they backed out..


Mikey
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BE different....ACT normal.

No one is completely useless..They can always be used as a bad example
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  #153 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 10:48 AM
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Mikey - I'd never purposely offend your sensibilities (Isn't Gilroy, CA the garlic capital?)

Very short books in the making

These future bestsellers will not only be popular to the stupid, but they will also save trees. When they come out, you can expect each of them to take up no more than half of a page.

1. Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
2. Clinton Policies that actually save money
3. The Logic of the Politically Correct
4. History of the Countries where Socialism worked
5. Good Points of Clinton's Health Program
6. Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
7. "The Submissive Woman" by Hillary Clinton.
8. Creating New Jobs in America - by Bill Clinton
9. "Life During Wartime" by Bill Clinton.
10. Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government - by Slick Willy
11. "Why People are More Important than Animals" - Greenpeace
12. "Deep-Thinking Liberals"
13. "The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech"
14. "Why Political Correctness is not Censorship"
15. "The Merits of Gun Control"
16. "Feminists Worth Marrying"
17. "How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy" by Socialists.
18. "To Tell the Truth" - by President Bill Clinton
19. Unshakeable Principles I Live By - by Bill Clinton
20. The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
21. Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill

Dave W
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  #154 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 10:59 AM
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Lists can be fun...

SONGS FOR THE OVER 40'S

Carly Simon - You're so varicose vein
The Bee Gees - How can you mend a broken hip?
Roberta Flack - The first time ever I forgot your face.
Johnny Nash - I can't see clearly now.
The Temptations - Papa's got a kidney stone.
Nancy Sinatra - These boots give me arthritis
ABBA - Denture queen
Leo Sayer - You make me feel like napping
Commodores - Once, twice, three trips to the bathroom.
Procol Harum - A whiter shade of hair.
The Beatles - I get by with a little help from Viagra.
Steely Dan - Rikki don't lose your car keys.
Herman's Hermits - Mrs Brown you've got a lovely walker.
The Rolling Stones - You can't always pee when you want.
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad prune rising.
Marvin Gaye - I heard it through the grape nuts.
The Who - Talkin' 'bout my medication.
The Troggs - Bald thing....
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  #155 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 11:25 AM
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It's Ok Dave, I've been told I have no sensibilities...or is that no sense???

I don't rememb'r


Gilroy does grow alot of garlic..but if you go to the local garlic shops and buy a jar of pickled garic...the stuff comes from China.....

That's good for a daily funny, ain't it.


later, mikey
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  #156 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2008, 12:00 PM
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Here's a list of children's book titles which for some reason or other didn't make it to your local book shop.

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An 'I-Can-Do' Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mummy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Plug Socket be Friends?
27. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. The Wasp Sandwich
30. Santa Claus: Alias The Bogey Man
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  #157 (permalink)  
Old 01-24-2008, 07:52 AM
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Daily health and wellness Q & A.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: This is a very simple answer if you understand simple math. If you have a body and you have fat, then, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. So, see, it's very easy to calculate your body/fat ratio.
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  #158 (permalink)  
Old 01-24-2008, 07:54 AM
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Responding to an ad for a 2-door Chevy for $100 the man discovers that the car for sale is a 1960 Corvette. He said to the woman, "You know the car has to be worth at least $10,000, so why are you selling it so cheap?" The woman replied, "My husband has left me for another woman. He told me to sell the corvette and send him the money..."



In a while, Chet.
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  #159 (permalink)  
Old 01-24-2008, 06:11 PM
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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts & free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask!" Said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" He asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to!" Was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
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  #160 (permalink)  
Old 01-25-2008, 02:21 PM
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Daily health and wellness Q & A.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: I can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


In a while, Chet.
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  #161 (permalink)  
Old 01-25-2008, 07:27 PM
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Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon- to-be
new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk
by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
hill-billy from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, 'What're y'all sellin' here?'

One of the men replies, 'Oh! We're selling buttholes here.'

Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, 'Well, I see y'all're doing
really good, you only got two left!'
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  #162 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2008, 02:04 PM
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An Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over in the bathroom. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" She said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get my mate Cobba!"

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Cobba said "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" Exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her". Replied Cobba.

"Spot on!" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her boobs."

"Play with her boobs?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that, mate?"

"No", Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive!"
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  #163 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2008, 03:21 PM
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Daily health and wellness Q & A.

Since I missed yesterday, here's a double helping...


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You must not be listening to any advice I've given so far. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? So go ahead and eat more fried food. Especially deep fried cheese curds. This way, you will get a full dosage of Dairy products as well.



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach, not a smaller one....



In a while, Chet.
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  #164 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2008, 03:26 PM
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"



In a while, Chet.
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  #165 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2008, 08:17 AM
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO!! Chocolate comes from Cocoa beans, right? Another vegetable. It's the best-feel-good food around!! You should enjoy all the chocolate you want. It will serve you no harm....



In a while, Chet.
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