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  #1636 (permalink)  
Old 08-25-2010, 03:19 PM
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Jim's Chicken Story!

Farmer Jim lived on a quiet rural highway but, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer Jim called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jim called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer Jim called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign" He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer Jim. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Jim a call. "How's the problem with those drivers, Did you put up your sign?”

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Jim's house and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of plywood.

NUDIST COLONY: Go slow and watch out for chicks!

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  #1637 (permalink)  
Old 08-25-2010, 05:39 PM
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A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess
tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post
and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town.
That's where the girls are."
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  #1638 (permalink)  
Old 08-25-2010, 05:44 PM
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry - I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic; I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.........
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  #1639 (permalink)  
Old 08-26-2010, 07:39 AM
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Paraprosdokians

Just to clarify things a bit. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Examples:
# I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." — Will Rogers
# "She got her good looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon." — Groucho Marx
# "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." — Groucho Marx
# "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." —Groucho Marx
# "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx
# "Take my wife, please." - Henny Youngman


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the
list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw
them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove
that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If
an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I
said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good
ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home,
even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,
and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have
no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after
it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some
people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Dave W
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  #1640 (permalink)  
Old 08-26-2010, 11:13 AM
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Arthur is 81 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 16 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 93years old. He can't help."

"He may be a ninety three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."
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  #1641 (permalink)  
Old 08-26-2010, 12:47 PM
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Mum Would Know


Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe, 3 years old,
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift.
It was one of my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her sit quietly in another room
so mum could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.
Mum waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of 'tea' for Daddy.
Mum watched dad drink from the tea cup.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know...)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet ?'
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  #1642 (permalink)  
Old 08-26-2010, 04:41 PM
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The DOT!!!

The Dot

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in Canada or the U.S.A.
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
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  #1643 (permalink)  
Old 08-26-2010, 08:34 PM
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That's a good one!

But now I have a question for everyone.

What do tree huggers wipe with?
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  #1644 (permalink)  
Old 08-27-2010, 03:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Kemp
That's a good one!

But now I have a question for everyone.

What do tree huggers wipe with?
The Charmin the bears wipe with?
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  #1645 (permalink)  
Old 08-27-2010, 04:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
The Charmin the bears wipe with?
I don't know the answer and I don't think Charmin is it because it too is a paper product. I was sitting around late one night having a beer and the question just popped into my mind.
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  #1646 (permalink)  
Old 08-30-2010, 05:55 PM
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During a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blond employee was using the following password:


"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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  #1647 (permalink)  
Old 08-31-2010, 06:31 AM
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She's a smart one to know the capitol of Cali unless she lives in sacramento...
must be in upper management...
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  #1648 (permalink)  
Old 08-31-2010, 04:20 PM
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Bob & the Blond

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story
of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair, here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.
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  #1649 (permalink)  
Old 09-01-2010, 04:32 PM
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From Emmet

A little boy got on the bus; sat next to

a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a
Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't
wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and
answered, 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls
and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am
the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a
while, then leaned over and said,

'Maybe you should wear a condom and
put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'
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  #1650 (permalink)  
Old 09-02-2010, 02:43 PM
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Bubba is driving down a back road in Alabama ..
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "Thems my three favorites!"
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