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  #1651 (permalink)  
Old 09-02-2010, 02:50 PM
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IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER




These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

















ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.













ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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  #1652 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2010, 06:48 PM
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In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me"? She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize that you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you".

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney"?

She again replied, "Why yes I do. I've know Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He is lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and i a very quiet voice , said "If either of you idiots ask if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair"
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  #1653 (permalink)  
Old 09-07-2010, 12:12 AM
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Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking,
biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?"
Jack asked. "Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in California and they have shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as
bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK,
I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Oakland."
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"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #1654 (permalink)  
Old 09-07-2010, 11:23 PM
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Stock Quote :

I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "Canned goods and ammunition."
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"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #1655 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2010, 06:27 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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  #1656 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2010, 09:32 AM
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DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. 'It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree.

You can blame this 'one on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'



Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.


'You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.

Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma; 'That darn coyote's back again,

I'm a gonna git him!'' 'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids.


He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.

Then he stuck that double barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyote on his mind,

our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and comes sneakin' up behind Daddy.

Then as we all looked on plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose right into Daddy's backside crack!


'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!'
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  #1657 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2010, 11:08 AM
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??????????????????????

Hi,a guy walks into his house,hearing some oooohhhsss and aaawwwwssss coming from his bedroom,he goes in and finds his wife making love to the gardener,he says,what are you doing,she says noTHING,he says,doesnt look like nothing to me,she says,are you going to believe me,or your lying eyes?????????
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  #1658 (permalink)  
Old 09-10-2010, 08:01 PM
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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.


2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.


3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psychopath


4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The H@#$ Out Of It


5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids


7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick


8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.


9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?


Subordinate Clauses.


10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?


Quatro Cinco.


11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.


12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.


13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.


14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef ....


15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.


16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.


17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.


18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?


Sanka.




19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?


Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.


20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile.



Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
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  #1659 (permalink)  
Old 09-12-2010, 09:06 AM
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One hand clapping.
 

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Q: What's the difference between meat and fish?

A: If you beat your fish, it dies.
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  #1660 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2010, 04:58 PM
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In plain english

Here is something for you to ponder

An ode of English Plural....

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox
becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called
geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a
lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses,
not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural
of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And
I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth
and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be
called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those, Yet hat in the plural
would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak
of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never
say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But
imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for
granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can
work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship... We have noses
that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a
parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
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  #1661 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2010, 12:30 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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JOKE OF THE YEAR 2010

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
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  #1662 (permalink)  
Old 09-15-2010, 05:03 PM
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just for something different

I went to a Muslim strip club last night ....everyone kept chanting "show us your face " "show us your face"
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  #1663 (permalink)  
Old 09-17-2010, 08:01 PM
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Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick.
"But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! "

later gator
russ
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  #1664 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:34 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after and
house her neighbor's male dog while they were away on vacation. She had
a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart. The first
night, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them she panicked and called the vet. It was late and he
answered in a very grumpy voice. Explaining the problem to him, the vet
said. "Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will call you
back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and
be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.
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  #1665 (permalink)  
Old 09-22-2010, 05:33 AM
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funny VW commercial...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I62bO...layer_embedded
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