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  #1666 (permalink)  
Old 09-22-2010, 05:48 PM
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Dawson�s wife had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Dawson got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Dawson undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and Dawson drove her to the hospital emergency room. Doctor Lippschitz got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."



Doctor Lippschitz replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

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  #1667 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2010, 09:48 AM
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Good Morning All

A little girl had just finished her first week of first grade.

'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.

'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
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  #1668 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2010, 12:29 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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WHAT TIME DOES HOME DEPOT OPEN ?

New Battery-powered Nail Gun, made by DeWALT

It can drive a 16 penny nail through a 2X4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back and relax.
When she has the board in the right place, just fire away.
With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.
After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid Fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else (probably) ever again.
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  #1669 (permalink)  
Old 09-27-2010, 02:01 AM
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A farmer with five female pigs decided to sell them at the fair. While there he met a farmer with five male pigs. They got talking and decided they could mate their pigs and split everything fifty-fifty.

They lived just 50 miles apart so they met at a field midway. The farmer hauled his pigs in his station wagon.

While they were mating he asked the farmer how they could tell if they were pregnant. He said if they were rolling in the grass the next morning they are..if not, they'll roll in the mud.

The next morning his pigs were rolling in the mud, so he cleaned them off and drove to the field for another try. This continued for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was tired. He asked his wife to see whether the pigs were in the grass or the mud. She said neither, they were in the station wagon and one was tooting the horn.
__________________
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #1670 (permalink)  
Old 09-27-2010, 09:30 AM
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Crash Proof Motorcycle

Read the sub titles, and watch it till the end.

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=21816
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  #1671 (permalink)  
Old 09-29-2010, 11:52 AM
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MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS:




GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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  #1672 (permalink)  
Old 09-29-2010, 06:16 PM
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something Jeff Foxworthy should have said:

If you ever drank beer to get the smell of whiskey off your breath,you just may be a redneck! tom
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  #1673 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2010, 01:01 PM
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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap
in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in
front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs
a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his
overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders
forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall
down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the
tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of
hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you
doing Billy Bob."

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been
having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist
suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


Be kind to dumb animals, especially me!
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  #1674 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2010, 05:28 AM
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A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo , Japan .Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.


'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.


Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'


The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.


With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..
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  #1675 (permalink)  
Old 10-05-2010, 02:18 PM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Down in Louisiana , Randy gets a job with BP helping with the cleanup.
He reports for work and is told to speak to a supervisor about his assignment.
He finds the man and asks, “What is I supposed to do?”
The supervisor tells him to go to the animal shelter and clean the pelicans.
Two hours later, Boudreaux comes up to the supervisor and says,
“Okay dey all cleaned. You want me to fix a roux & cook some rice?”
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  #1676 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2010, 06:30 AM
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Young couple gets married. On the honeymoon night they begin undressing in front of each other for the first time.

Husband takes off his shoes and socks and his feet are horribly disfigured. When the wife asks "What is that?" he replies "It's from the Toelio I had when I was a kid."

Husband proceeds to remove his pants and uncovers badly pock marked lower legs. Wife asks again "What is that?" and he replies it's from the Kneasles I had when I was a kid."

Husband removes his underwear and the wife says "I know, it's from the Smallcox you had when you were a kid."
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  #1677 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2010, 10:16 AM
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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order

'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
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  #1678 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2010, 11:15 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Didn't you mean to say "chick" and not "bird"??
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  #1679 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2010, 12:01 PM
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One man's chick (bird) is anothers man's emu.
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  #1680 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2010, 12:10 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Isn't that what they call a coal-local-izum?
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