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  #1681 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2010, 12:56 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Didn't you mean to say "chick" and not "bird"??
"Bird" for "chick" would have been used in England, back in the 50s & 60s.

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  #1682 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2010, 01:21 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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then my Texas arse stands "bloody corrected"
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  #1683 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2010, 06:12 PM
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Yesterday, I was sitting in a bar having a drink, when I suddenly realized that I desperately needed to 'pass gas'. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my 'exhausts' with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my drink and then I noticed that everyone was staring at me.

Then suddenly, I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.......

(a couple word changes to be in line with the family nature of this forum's rules )
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  #1684 (permalink)  
Old 10-07-2010, 11:48 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Making a baby.



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
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  #1685 (permalink)  
Old 10-07-2010, 12:05 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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FARMING IN OKLAHOMA IS ROUGH THESE DAYS.........……


A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely
30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, ' Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and ! pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then, she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now .... I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches !!!'
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  #1686 (permalink)  
Old 10-07-2010, 02:38 PM
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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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  #1687 (permalink)  
Old 10-08-2010, 07:16 AM
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Sex change operation

Q: What do you call the proceedure they use when a woman wants to be a man?
A: An addadictame
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  #1688 (permalink)  
Old 10-08-2010, 07:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue54

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
54, dont forget all those stiff drinks start off with a HARD licker
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  #1689 (permalink)  
Old 10-08-2010, 10:16 AM
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IT'S NOT TRUE THAT ONLY A "DOG PERSON" WOULD TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY


Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the

local shopping center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,



"Why don't you just put it in Park?"
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  #1690 (permalink)  
Old 10-08-2010, 02:20 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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FEMAIL COMPASSION

A man was laying on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f**ked?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
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  #1691 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2010, 05:20 AM
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and they named him , Bob....
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  #1692 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2010, 04:59 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deadbodyman
and they named him , Bob....
nickname was "corky"

(Lord forgive me for saying that but you gotta admit it was danged funny)
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  #1693 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2010, 12:56 PM
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"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS"

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.


After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a box on wheels and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
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  #1694 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2010, 04:52 PM
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Be Careful!

Friendly Advice

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by jerks who just drink coffee, tea, carbonated drinks, juices, water, milk, yogurt, and stuff like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
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  #1695 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2010, 05:01 PM
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Divorced Barbie

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's private parts!'
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