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  #1696 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2010, 11:35 PM
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An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said,
"I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, good Heavens," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!

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  #1697 (permalink)  
Old 10-12-2010, 08:25 AM
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FINALLY !
A Cell Phone for Senior Citizens !

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  #1698 (permalink)  
Old 10-12-2010, 12:44 PM
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Is that, 888 888 8888
Yes, how can I help you ?
Please call 911, my finger is stuck in the dial.

(Joke taken out of retirement upon seeing WR´s pic. post.)
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  #1699 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2010, 05:04 PM
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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'



'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tata's, she appears out of nowhere.'
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  #1700 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2010, 03:19 AM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.



If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.



If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.



If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.



If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.


She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.



So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s**t.'
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  #1701 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2010, 06:01 AM
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The other stall:

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions"


Cell phones, don't you just love them!
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  #1702 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2010, 05:34 PM
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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee .
(Hardly seems worth it . )

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb .
(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet .
(O . M . G . !)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes .
(In my next life, I want to be a pig . . )

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death .
(Creepy . )


(I'm still not over the pig . )

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body . The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off .
(Honey, I'm home . What the . . . ?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length . It's like a human jumping the length of a football field .

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(30 minutes . Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds .
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day .
(I still want to be a pig in my next life . . . quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet .
(Something I always wanted to know . )

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue .
(Hmmmmmm . . . . . . )

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people .
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump .
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light .
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain .
(I know some people like that . )

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too . )

Polar bears are left-handed .
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure .
(What about that pig??)
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  #1703 (permalink)  
Old 10-19-2010, 03:38 PM
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Italian Golfer
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?
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  #1704 (permalink)  
Old 10-20-2010, 11:44 AM
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GREAT WEEKEND

















An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile
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  #1705 (permalink)  
Old 10-20-2010, 03:53 PM
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Paratroopers

So a fella is having dinner with his son and his son mentions that he is thinking about enlisting in marines. His dad looks at him and says" wow that's great I was in for one term." The son replies "I didn't know that, how did you like it?" The dad says "well the marines were great but basic training was a pain and Ill tell you why. We had to do paratrooper training and jump out of a plane and I'm terrified of heights. When I got to the door of the plane I froze up and couldn't jump. well naturally the sarge screamed an order to me to jump and I told him no-way. Well this infuriated him and he tried to push me out, but I was all spread eagle like a cat over a toilet bowl. There was no way he was going to get me out. At this point he was so red faced mad he started to unbuckle his pants and screamed to me "Private your going to jump out of this plane or ill stick my jimmy so far where the sun don't shine you will wish you had jumped" The father sort of pauses in his story and his son asks him" Did you jump?" He just looked back and said "well yeah a little at first"

Ha ha I love that joke.......
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  #1706 (permalink)  
Old 10-21-2010, 07:56 AM
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Ever wonder how a bakery makes pumpkin pies

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  #1707 (permalink)  
Old 10-21-2010, 08:16 AM
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Hmmmm, now I know what I need to do with that bedside porta-potty chair leftover from the Wiffy's knee surgery
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  #1708 (permalink)  
Old 10-21-2010, 12:10 PM
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The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in England.

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.



Best Answer Ever

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being.

Which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
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  #1709 (permalink)  
Old 10-21-2010, 01:36 PM
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How Stupid - - - everyone knows that the Four Seasons are:
Garlic
Cayenne
Tabasco
Onion
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  #1710 (permalink)  
Old 10-21-2010, 03:50 PM
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BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, in July, 2011, The government will start deporting
All of the old people (instead of illegals) in order to
Lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

I started crying when I thought of you.

RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!

Well....what can I say? Someone sent it to me and I'm not going alone!
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