Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?
I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit” for Halloween, and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his entire Cabinet.
URGENT PLEASE HELP!!
An elderly lady at the old folks' home turned to the old man sitting next to her and says "I bet I can tell you how old you are by sticking my hand down your pants."
The old guy says "Ok, go ahead."
So the lady reaches over, unzips his fly, reaches in there, feels around for a minute and says "You're 83."
He says "Holy cow! How did you know that?!"
She says "You told me yesterday."
It's a slow day in some little town. The sun is hot.....the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from back west is driving thru town.
He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the feed store.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her services on credit.
She, in a flash rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill with the motel owner.
The motel proprietor now places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money & leaves.
Now, no one produced anything...and no one earned anything...however the whole town is out of debt and is looking to the future with much optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen is precisely how the U.S. and Canadian Governments are conducting business today!
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents home.
Id scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: shrimp cocktail, lobster, champagne.
I asked her, Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?
No, she replied. but my mothers not expecting a blow job tonight.
I said, Enjoy.
Unfortunately - for your fellow Norwegians - that happened (or could have, had he ever decided to try the trip )
Pancho from San Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of sneakers to go with his
Pancho saved up all his money he got from gathering empty
aluminum cans and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant
white sneakers to go with his sweat-suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by
'See mi new sneakers homes? Cool, eh?'
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of sneakers but was young Pancho aware that he had a lace undone?
Pancho scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a
trailing lace and that on the bottom of the sneakers there were
instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.
When asked for proof of this instruction, Pancho took off his sneakers and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "See it there? It clearly says .. ' TAIWAN .'
muahahahahaha, that is sooooooo funny
Priest in a hotel
A priest is traveling across the country and stops for the night at a hotel
As he checks in, he says to the room clerk "I sure hope your porn channel on the TV is disabled"
The clerk replies "No, its regular porn, you sicko"
Irish Pubs are best!
Sitting in a bar a Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer
the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll
buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the
moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all
the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll
take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times."
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are all on my ***** list ...
BANANAS & MILKDUDS
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated...
He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a
F-14 Tomcat.. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get
To 'Milk Duds', your sense of humor is seriously broken.
This message is for America 's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's
Most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway,
John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity,
Let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam .
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do.
Do Not Go!!!
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped.
I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would
Be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station
Oceana in Virginia Beach ..
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks
Like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,
Finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles
Dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the
Other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the
Voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?)
Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad.
Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting
For him to say, 'We have liftoff'.
Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million
Weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.
I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked
Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
'Bananas,' he said.
'For the potassium?' I asked.
'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up
As they do going down.'
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name
Sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot.
But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had
Instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened
Me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out
Of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me,
And Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up In minutes we were firing nose
Up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.
It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails.
We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and
Dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute.
We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at
200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5,
Which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing
Against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs.. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas.
And I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that.
I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing
Stuff that never thought would be egressed.
I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice.. I was coated in sweat. At one point,
As we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock
Bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I
Was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person
In history to throw down.
I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass,
Or Norman making a five-iron bite.. But now I really know 'cool'.
Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves.
I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm
glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever
makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said
he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd
send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
What are cheaper Beer nuts or deer nuts?
Deer nuts are under a buck
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
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