If World War One Was A Bar Fight...
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
The Blonde Mortician
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.*
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.*
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'*
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...*
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'*
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check..*
'There's no charge,' she says.*
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.*
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
Thoughts for the day....
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is a cell phone that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. With those darn prices going up all the time, I may not be able to afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway no matter how I smelled.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
On some of our discussions on here we need a sign that states...."Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
Have you ever taken NyQuil? You know....NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I have a problem every now and then when I stop to think, and forget to start again.
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
For these guys with everything just remember that "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD."
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on and I have grown so deaf I can't hear half of it.
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Dawson asked his Grandfather why he didn't do something useful with his time. He suggested going down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
He did and when he got home he told Dawson that he had joined a parachute club.
"Are you nuts?” said Dawson. “You're almost 90 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
He proudly showed him that he even got a membership card.
"You idiot, where are your glasses!” said Dawson. “This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
“I’m in trouble again,” said Grandpa. “I signed up for five jumps a week!”
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier
A lady is purchasing a depilatory, and asks the pharmacist about how to use it.
"Is this for facial hair or under-arm?"
"It's for my schnauzer."
"In that case you must apply it sparingly,
and don't ride a bicycle for a week."
I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'
Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said 'don't worry, you're bound to lose it eventually '.
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and “Mexicans” were not the correct answers.
SENIORS know all the angles
NOW BEAT THIS ONE SENIORS know all the angles!!!
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...
Ain't it the truth?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence:
No nude women?
No pork chops?
No hot dogs?
Rags for clothes?
Towels for hats?
Constant wailing from some guy in a tower?
More than one wife?
More than one mother in law?
You can't shave?
Your wife can't shave?
You can't wash off the smell of donkey?
You wipe your butt with your hand?
You cook over burning camel chit?
Your wife is picked by someone else?
Your wife smells worse than your donkey ?
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
No chit Cherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse!
Airport security idea?
Wonder why nobody thought of this before?
Here' s a solution to the controversy over full-body scanners at airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.
The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone.
There would be no racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.........
This is so simple it's brilliant!
I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number...
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. The English have not been 'A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from 'Pissed Off' to 'Let's get the Bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.
The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA'. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is 'I hope Australia will come and rescue us'.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be alright, mate'. Three more escalation levels remain 'Crikey!', 'I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend' and 'The barbie is cancelled'. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
a foot is a terrible thing to waste .....
I once felt sorry for my friend achmad because he had no shoes until I met his cousin habeib that had no feet.....never get free shoes at a taliban shoe store.
A wine store for the rest of us....
Finally, a wine store for the rest of us.
Walmart in the U.S. announced that, sometime in 2011, it will begin offering customers a new discount item, its own store-brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wine at an affordable price, in the $2.00-$3.50 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas , "and the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.
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