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  #1741 (permalink)  
Old 11-11-2010, 03:51 PM
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Dallas, TX (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody laws and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court, however, when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamently refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with Child Welfare officials, the judge grated temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys professional football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.
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  #1742 (permalink)  
Old 11-11-2010, 09:59 PM
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Catch and release deer

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, fatten it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not four feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder, then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about twenty minutes, my deer showed up -- three of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it ...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.

As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief ten minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up.

It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. In fact, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deerbite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bitten by a horse - where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head almost like a pit bull.

They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead.

My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.

This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why it is that when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope. It sort of evens the odds a bit.

Last edited by Dave57210; 11-11-2010 at 10:05 PM.
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  #1743 (permalink)  
Old 11-11-2010, 10:30 PM
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Horse sense

Young Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made a profit of $998, minus the $100 I paid you - I'm ahead $898!"

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back..."

Chuck is now your congressman
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  #1744 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2010, 06:49 AM
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One hand clapping.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave57210
Chuck is now your congressman
Not in my district...
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  #1745 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2010, 02:37 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...


and all the other bells started to ring
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  #1746 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2010, 04:10 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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GENERAL PUBLIC NOTICE:


Be advised I am sick of receiving inquires about my dog;



who mauled six illegals wearing Obama tee shirts,

four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers,

seven crack heads, five operators who asked me to "press 1 for English",

nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their boxers,

three flag burners and a Pakistani taxi driver.







For the last time...

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
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  #1747 (permalink)  
Old 11-16-2010, 12:46 PM
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Little Kevin Was In His 5th Grade Class When The Teacher Asked The Children What Their Fathers Did For A Living. All The Typical Answers Came Up: Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Etc. Kevin Was Being Quiet, So The Teacher Asked Him About His Father. Little Kevin Says: "my Father's An Exotic Dancer In A Gay Bar And Takes Off All His Clothes In Front Of Other Men. Sometimes, If The Offers Really Good, He'll Go Out To The Alley With Some Guy And Make Love With Him For Money." The Teacher, Obviously Shaken By This Statement, Hurriedly Set The Other Children To Work On Some Coloring And Took Little Kevin Aside To Ask Him: "is That Really True About Your Father?" Kevin Said: "no, He Plays Football For The Dallas Cowboys, But I Was Too Embarrassed To Say That In Front Of The Other Kids!"
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  #1748 (permalink)  
Old 11-16-2010, 11:19 PM
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You know you're a bad cook when......

You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer
You consider it a culinary success if the pop tart stays in one piece
Your dog goes to the neighbors to eat
When you barbecue, two of your kids stand guard with water pistols and the third is ready with a cell phone and finger on the 911 speed dial
Your family automatically heads for the table when they hear a fire siren
The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard warnings
Your two best recipies are meatloaf and apple pie but guests can't tell them apart.
You've used three cans of Draino, a crowbar and the shop media blaster , but you still can't get the macaroni off the bottom of the pan
You're tuna noodle surprise glows in the dark
Your family prays AFTER the meal
The dog licks its butt to get the taste out of his mouth
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  #1749 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2010, 06:46 PM
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The stud

The Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains .."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"


"No, I told you the computer's down, There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."


In that case" says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud.


"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.


A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter,"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan "
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  #1750 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2010, 07:23 AM
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING
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  #1751 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2010, 11:00 PM
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I don't understand?
 

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my only parrot joke

a guy sitting at the end of the bar,looking very down and out,asks the bartender
"how did you get your parrot to speak so well? i have one ive been working with for years and it still wont say a single word"

the bartender replies
"cheer up buddy ,its probably not your fault.
the nasal holes in the top of some birds' beaks are not large enough to create the sounds to pronounce words.
its a simple job of filing down the beak to make the holes larger.
but be careful not to make the holes to large or it will drown in its water dish when it trys to get a drink."

so the guy leaves the bar very excited and happy about this new info.

a couple days later the bartender sees the same guy at the end of the bar again, looking even more down and out.
so he asks him
"hey guy, how did it go with you parrot?"

and the guy very sadly replies
"its dead"

the bartender says
"i warned you not to file those nasal holes down to far. did it drown in its water dish?"

and the guy sadly replies
"no,it was dead when i took it out of the vise."
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  #1752 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2010, 05:43 AM
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This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. He opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"
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  #1753 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:18 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights
being held in the area around Crowley , and duly dispatched the
infamous detective Boudreaux to investigate.

He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis **** fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat **** fight.

I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when
summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was
involved?"

"De duck won."
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  #1754 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2010, 05:30 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna .. Get ********d out of my peaches....
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  #1755 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:20 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Top TSA Slogans: Transportation Security Administration

Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see in your underpants.




Grope discounts available.




If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first.




Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.




Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.




Throw a few back at the airport Chili's and you won't even notice.




We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.




We are now free to move about your pants.




We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.




It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.




When in doubt, we make you whip it out.




TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'




We handle more packages than the USPS
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