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  #1756 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2010, 02:49 PM
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New Federal Government Golf Rules



The President has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in November 2010. This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000+ pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few of the changes.


Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
- handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
- handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
- handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score. These new rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

Golf must be about fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is the "right thing to do."

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  #1757 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2010, 09:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
New Federal Government Golf Rules
Supreme Court has declared New Federal Government Golf Rules unconstitutional. Court ruled that corporations decide the winners based on the players' net worth.
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  #1758 (permalink)  
Old 11-27-2010, 11:50 PM
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Announcement

Welcome aboard flight 229.

This is the history-making first flight of a 100% completely automated aircraft.

There is no longer any need for a pilot or co-pilot.

All systems are fully automated and fail-safe

All systems have been fully tested and absolutely nothing can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong.....
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  #1759 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2010, 05:26 PM
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?'

God replied,
"GIRRRL...I didn't even recognize you!"
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  #1760 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2010, 11:10 PM
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The Theory of Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this ..

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
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  #1761 (permalink)  
Old 11-30-2010, 05:42 PM
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Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and their paying their own way."
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  #1762 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2010, 12:42 PM
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Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other Members of the family and social circle have been Known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for The dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle Around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."




"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
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  #1763 (permalink)  
Old 12-02-2010, 02:14 AM
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ya had me going for a wee while, hands in the air,guilty
later gator
russ
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  #1764 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2010, 03:20 AM
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This is how itís done in Oregon!


And now we know how the weather service works!

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Washington State asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.



But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ' Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


' Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a boatload of firewood'!
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  #1765 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2010, 01:24 PM
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Executive fella Bill is tired of all the hustle & bustle of the big city so he decideds to get back to nature and chill out for a while.

One summer Bill gets himself a nice cabin in the mountains and retreats by himself with only some grub and basic supplies.

He is loving the land and is doing Ok on his own, no cell phone, TV, radio no job stress just what he needed.

He has packed some books however and begins reading one on ventriloquism and after a short time is an expert at troughing his voice, really impressive.

After a couple months Bill is lonely, he has had no human contact for all this time.

One day while walking near the medow he spots an indian chief sitting on his horse tending over a huge flock of sheep, a sheep dog comes running over to check him out on the approach up to the big chief.

He says to the chief "hey am I ever glad to see you, I have not spoken to anyone for months how are you man"

The chief just stares down at him no emotion, stern faced, no reply at all, stonch, not a peep.

So Bill decides to get tricky and through his voice at the dog assuming the chief will be so estonsihed that the two will spark up conversation for sure. So after a lenghty conversation with rover Bill looks up at the chief

The chief just stares down at him no emotion, stern faced, no reply at all, stonch, not a peep.

So Bill decides to converse with the horse and strikes up a conversation all the while expertly making it appear that the horse is talking back, really good work.

The chief just stares down at him no emotion, stern faced, no reply at all, stonch, not a peep.

Bill looks towards the flock of sheep and see's one with a pink ribbon tied around its neck he asked the chief " hey that is a cute little sheep over there mind if I have a talk with it?"

The chief all wide eyed and concerned looks at Bill and says "just remeber young man......sheep lie!"
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  #1766 (permalink)  
Old 12-04-2010, 11:48 AM
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Why we love children ...

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.
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  #1767 (permalink)  
Old 12-04-2010, 01:11 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Gary is 67 years old and he loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the
other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up. "He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."


He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. Gary said, "Are you talking to me?"


The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me

and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because

I will be very gorgeous and sexy."


Gary looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully and placed it in his front pocket.



The frog said, "Hey, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful gorgeous sexy woman!"


He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."






With age comes wisdom!
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  #1768 (permalink)  
Old 12-04-2010, 01:23 PM
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Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?


Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???


Ever wonder why?






It's because she smells like a new Truck.
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  #1769 (permalink)  
Old 12-05-2010, 04:37 PM
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Wrong E-mail Address

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Satuurday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: December 5, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
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  #1770 (permalink)  
Old 12-05-2010, 04:43 PM
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....and for our Northern neighbors

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leedsand tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."


.................................................. ..

What To Do When It Snows In Toronto

One winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to good Ontario women exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

.................................................. ......................

WINTER Poem
It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

-------------------------------------

And one more....
98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH S^%*" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."
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