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  #1771 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2010, 01:32 PM
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Some Local Candian Prarie Humor

Saskatchewan Technology Recent findings:

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, "Moose Jaw Times Herald", a local newspaper in Saskatchewan reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Moose Jaw, Ole Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Saskatchewan had already gone wireless."

A True Saskatchewan Girl

A girl from Saskatchewan and a girl from Ontario were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Saskatchewan, being friendly and all, said, "So, where you from?" The Ontario girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Saskatchewan sat quietly for a few moments and then replied,... "So, where you from, bitc$?"

A man owned a farm in Saskatchewan.

The Labor Relations Board suspected he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy him chewing tobacco," said the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."

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  #1772 (permalink)  
Old 12-09-2010, 12:39 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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If this offends then Delete it !

One time there was a Frat House that decided to have a contest amoung all of the Frat Houses so they decided to take a nekkid woman, grease her with axle grease and put her in a dark room. The purpose of the contest was to see if any contestant could go into the room and bring her out in 5 minutes. It is appropriate to note that the woman was very athletic herself. Anyhow, the first contestant went in and came out 5 minutes later with lots of grease all over him but without the woman. Several others tried with the same results, just greasey but no woman. Then Billy Bob, a new pledge from the Cajun Fraternity said he would like to try and in he went. They could hear a lot of cussin and screamin and furniture breaking but after 3 minutes here came Billy Bob draggin the woman out screaming and cussing.

The Frat brothers were amazed and asked Billy Bob , "How in the world were you able to succeed when all the others failed?" Billy Bob replied, "I just used the famous bowling ball hold and drug her out!"!
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  #1773 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2010, 02:38 PM
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A Christmas Story:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidenta! lly dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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  #1774 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2010, 06:30 AM
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AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex


PS: if this has been posted earlier, sorry, but I just got it via email and still think it's worth another chuckle

Dave W
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  #1775 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2010, 10:45 PM
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A Boy's First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to
buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she
could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if
I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first
time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the
store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it
on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could
no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?'
she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the crap out of me.......
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  #1776 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2010, 12:33 AM
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Honesty is the best....

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, 'cause everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now....
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  #1777 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2010, 06:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger
A Boy's First Condom



I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the crap out of me.......
LOL,I remember my first time....It was dark.....I was scared .....and all alone.
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  #1778 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2010, 10:34 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Seems a Texan cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."
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  #1779 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2010, 07:42 PM
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30 years of marriage

I apologize if this has been posted before.

Man is involved in a serious traffic accident and wakes up with the doctor at his side.

Doc: I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you will walk again. The bad news is your johnson was cut off.

Man is terrified and asks the doctor what can be done.

Doc: Well as I understand it you will be getting a $9000 insurance settlement. We have a new procedure that can give you a new johnson. It cost $1000 an inch.

Man: That is great give me 9".

Doc: I think this is a decision you should make with your wife. If you did not have 9" before she may find it difficult.

Doc leaves and comes back the next day asking the man's decision after consulting with his wife.

Doc: Well what is it going to be?

Man: We will be getting "GRANITE COUNTER TOPS"

Vince
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  #1780 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2010, 06:13 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Spring Gobbler Season is right around the corner.
Here are some turkey calling tips for you "sporting" hunters!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYfDn...layer_embedded
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  #1781 (permalink)  
Old 12-14-2010, 02:30 PM
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  #1782 (permalink)  
Old 12-14-2010, 07:01 PM
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A lumberman is applying for a job and must answer three questions!

Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The woodworker says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the foreman asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the woodworker.

"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The woodworker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."

The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

" Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The foreman is getting worried he's going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.

" The woodworker stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred."

The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!

" The lumberman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start?"
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  #1783 (permalink)  
Old 12-15-2010, 06:53 AM
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Paul has had terrible headaches for years. The doctor tells him his right testicle is causing the headaches and needs to be removed. Paul figures he can live with one testicle so he goes ahead with the surgery. Paul's headaches get worse and the doctor tells him he needs to remove the other testicle. Weeks later Paul goes ahead with the surgery and his headaches go away.

Paul is really depressed so he decides to treat himself to a new outfit. When he goes into the town's most exclusive mens store, the salesman offers to fit him without taking any measurements. Salesman guesses his jacket size correctly as a 42 regular, his waist inseam correctly as a 32 and his waist as a 36. Paul is amazed but when the salesman guesses his jockey size as a 36, Paul corrects him -- he's always worn a 32. The salesman say "A man your size can't possibly wear size 32 jockey shorts. If you did, they would squeeze your testicles and give you horrible headaches."
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  #1784 (permalink)  
Old 12-16-2010, 10:31 AM
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Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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  #1785 (permalink)  
Old 12-16-2010, 12:45 PM
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NEWS FLASH: TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel..this is for the Christmas period only!!
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