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  #166 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2008, 04:13 PM
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http://videos.streetfire.net/video/c...3400f51946.htm

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  #167 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2008, 08:37 AM
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Daily health and wellness Q & A.

I've been a little lax on my daily health and wellness lately, so I'm going to combine the last posting I'm doing on this topic into a multi-question and answer posting. Here's to the last health knowledge I have. May you never follow it....


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: It's not as good as the other "experts" tell you. Personally, I don't believe it. I mean, if swimming is so good for your figure, please explain whales to me...


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my life style?

A: Heck no. Not at all. I tell lots of people every day that I'm in a perfect shape. "Round" is a shape. After all, you'd look funny as a square...


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - a shot of Jack Daniels in one hand and a bag of pork rinds in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "MAN, What a Ride!!!"


In a while, Chet.
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  #168 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2008, 06:10 PM
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May have been around for a while, but made me snort and wife cackle.

A guy was in a big pile up on the Big Slab and arrived at the ER in bad shape. After hours of intense medical treatment, he started coming around. The Doc started updating him on his status. "You were in a big pile up on the Interstate and it was touch and go for several hours, but you are going to make it OK". The guy muttered the best he could through all the bandages. The Doc continued "There is a problem that we will need your help with. See, you lost your Willy, sniped right off at the base and even though the medical team looked for quite some time, they did not find it so it could be re attached". Big groan from the patient. The Doc just droned on: " Not a problem though because your insurance is going to award your $9000 for your loss, and I am here to tell you we have come a long way in reconstructing Willys but it is quite expensive at $1000 per inch. You should consult your wife before you decide what you want to do." The patient was able to mutter "Why do that?". The Doc droned on: "Because if you had a 9 inch Willy and you wanted to save some bucks and only get a 5 incher, she may be very disappointed and if you had a 5 incher and opted for a 9 incher, she may not be happy with that either, so discuss it and let me know tomorrow morning". The next morning the Doc stops by and asks if he and the wife have made a decision. The guy groaned out a "Yes". "Well what shall it be?" says the Doc. With a great effort, the guy says "She decided on a new kitchen".

Trees
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  #169 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2008, 12:52 AM
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The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables,
a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He
hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he
came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim
naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator
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  #170 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2008, 07:53 AM
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A rancher from Texas and a farmer from Wisconsin were on a train ride vacation together, and got to talking. Small talk eventually turned to the Texan bragging about the size of his ranch. "Why my ranch is so big that I can get in my truck at sun up and drive all day and barely reach my property line by nightfall."

Well, the Wisconsin farmer glanced out the window, and responded, "Yep, I had a truck like that once too...".


In a while, Chet.
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  #171 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2008, 03:40 PM
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I like that one....

I heard a different one about Texas....

Q...What do you call two cowboys from Texas on one horse???

A ...CoTex

Hey its just a joke
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  #172 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2008, 01:26 PM
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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and
Rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,
Please raise your hand?"

No hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.

Some men never learn.
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  #173 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2008, 08:28 PM
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A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"


In a while, Chet.
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  #174 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2008, 03:10 AM
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This woman's washing machine is on the blink, so she calls the engineer. He says he can't make it over as he's too busy, but he'll be round in the morning.
"I'm at work tomorrow" She says, "But I'll leave the key under the flower pot by the front door".
"Okay" Replies the engineer.
"By the way", She continues, "I've got a big dog by the name of Spike. He looks quite intimidating, but don't worry, he'll just lie on his bed in the kitchen & ignore you. But whatever you do, don't talk to the Parrot. Not a single word, understand?"
The engineer agrees & the next day, turns up at her house. He finds the key & lets himself in. There, lying in the kitchen, is the biggest, scariest, ugliest hound the guy has ever laid eyes on. He warily brings his tools in, but notices the dog doesn't even flinch.
He begins to work on the washing machine & no sooner has he started than the Parrot starts swearing at him. He finds it quite funny for a while, but as he's trying to concentrate on the job in hand, it begins to irritate him.
After an hour & a half of constant abuse, he can finally take no more.
Going against the woman's advice, he stares straight at the Parrot & shouts: "Shut the f*ck up!"

The Parrot says: "Get him, Spike!"
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  #175 (permalink)  
Old 02-09-2008, 02:28 PM
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Hillary and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.
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  #176 (permalink)  
Old 02-11-2008, 12:37 PM
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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet As she looks about the store, she
notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers
softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow
the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has
been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . .
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this
point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper
it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the
pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him
in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly
into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'
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  #177 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2008, 10:10 AM
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh
when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and
propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over,
and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local
to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able
to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty
extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is
your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor.
"He's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where
to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye"
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  #178 (permalink)  
Old 02-14-2008, 11:15 AM
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A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

So she says, 'Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
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  #179 (permalink)  
Old 02-14-2008, 11:19 AM
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Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said: 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued ...

'May I ask what the turkey did?'
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  #180 (permalink)  
Old 02-14-2008, 11:22 AM
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A school teacher asks her class, "Can you name me a vegetable that makes your eyes water?"
Little Jimmy raises his hand and says, "A pumpkin, Miss."
"No", says the teacher, "Actually, the answer I was looking for was onion."
"An onion?" Says little Jimmy. "You've obviously never been hit in the balls with a pumpkin then, 'cos it made my bloody eyes water!"
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