Fred is out duck hunting in unfamiliar territory and having no luck at all.
He see's a farm house and goes up and knocks on the door.
Farmer comes out and asks whats up?
Fred says he is having no luck finding ducks to shoot and would like some help
Farmer whistles for his big German Shepard dog.
Farmers says he has him trained and commands the dog "dog East slue"
Dog takes off and comes back 5 minutes latter shaking its head.
Farmer says well Fred no ducks there,,, "dog West slue", dog takes off
5 minutes later the dog comes back and barks once,
Farmer says well Fred one duck out there but wait,,,"dog South slue"
Dog takes off and comes back 5 minutes later and barks ten times
Wow... Fred says does that mean there are 10 ducks in the South slue? yep says the farmer but wait I have one more slue to check,,,"dog North slue", and the dog takes off
15 minutes go by and Fred is anxious, then the big Shepard comes around the corner dragging a big tree branch in his mouth and up the veranda steps he comes, jumps on Freds leg and starts humping away vigorously.
Fred is freaked out and yells while slapping at the big mut "what the hell is this all about??!!"
Farmer says " there are more fuc*ing ducks in that slue than you can shake a stick at"...har har
Two Cajuns, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking them bud-lite.
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, 'You know me, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I'll go to the that Community College and sign up for some them classes.'
Thibodeaux thinks it's a good idea and the two have another bud-lite.
The next day, Boudreaux goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Boudreaux says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Boudreaux shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Thibodeaux at the bar. He tells Thibodeaux about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic? ' Thibodeaux says, 'What's that?'
Boudreaux says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'Then you're a queer.'
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink..
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley..
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
For our Canadian friends
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let the kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. Then he goes and visits mosques.
Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC
Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!
We all knew that it had to happen, didn't we?
Click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Qdb6wC0Iz4
What can a lady do to help a dirty old man clean up his act? .................................Take a shower with him!
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the water
Floated, of all things, a
When she returned
With tea and
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter..
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Texting for the Elderly
1. BTW = Bring The Wheelchair
2. ROFL. CGU = Rolling On The Floor Laughing. Can't Get Up
3. DWI = Driving While Incontinent
4. LOL = Living On Lipitor
5. OMG = Oy, My Grandchildren!
6. IMHO = Is My Hearing-Aid On?
7. *** = What's Today's Fish?
8. IMHMO = In My HMO.
9. RULKM = Are You Leaving Kids Money?
10. BYOT = Bring Your Own Teeth
11. TGIF = Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
12. FWB = Friend With Betablockers
13. FYI = For Your Indigestion.
14. JK = Just Kvetching
15. TTYL = Talk To You Louder
16. **** = Meal I'd Like To Forget
17. LMDO = Laughing My Dentures Out
18. LWO = Lawrence Welk's On
19. MGAD = My Grandson's A Doctor
20. SUK = Speak Up, Kid
21. WIWYA = When I Was Your Age
22. GOML = Get Off My Lawn
Jim had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick
of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
'Great', says Jim, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks, thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem' says Jim. 'After 25 years in the
business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More
'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Jim, warming to
the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By
the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas
3) Narcissism-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...........
5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why
8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'We'll take 10.'
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