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  #1801 (permalink)  
Old 12-29-2010, 03:47 PM
carsavvycook's Avatar
My 2 cents worth
 
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History of Profiling


The day it started was March 6, 1836.

On that day Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo .

He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"
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  #1802 (permalink)  
Old 12-29-2010, 03:52 PM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Hahaha, you're on a roll today, Steveooo
BTW, Bowie was my 4th great uncle and not the
model citizen, from what I am told but survival
was tuff back then.
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  #1803 (permalink)  
Old 01-01-2011, 09:53 AM
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Nursing Home

An elderly man who was confined to a wheelchair got placed in a nursing home. When the nurse noticed him leaning to the left, she strapped his right arm down. When she noticed him leaning to the right, she strapped his left arm down. When she noticed him leaning forward, she strapped him to the back of the chair.

His daughter came to visit and asked how he liked the place. He said, Well it would not be that bad if they would let me fart.
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  #1804 (permalink)  
Old 01-01-2011, 10:44 AM
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Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Granddad, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single ***hole, blind bastard, dip**** or son of a ***** anywhere we went!"
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  #1805 (permalink)  
Old 01-02-2011, 09:31 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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SEX AT 73!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
Informing me that I can have sex at 73!


I'm so happy, because I live at number 84.....
So it's not far to walk home afterwards!
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  #1806 (permalink)  
Old 01-02-2011, 01:03 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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The Department of Homeland Security
End-of-Year Statistics on Airport Screening


Transvestites……………………133

Hernias………………………...1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases……………3,172

Enlarged Prostates……………8,249

Breast Implants………………59,350

Natural Blondes…………..………..3



Terrorist Plots Discovered……….0
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  #1807 (permalink)  
Old 01-03-2011, 12:07 PM
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1978===2010

1978===2010



This should be read only by those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1978: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair

1978: KEG
2010: EKG

1978 : Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux

1978: Moving to California because it's cool
2010: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1978: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage

1978: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM

1978: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint

1978: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney Stones

1978: Screw the system
2010: Upgrade the system

1978: Disco
2010: Costco

1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1978: Passing the drivers' test
2010: Passing the vision test

1978: Whatever
2010: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mind set of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1992.



They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control..


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger bolded type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading..

It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!



HAPPY NEW YEAR!


















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  #1808 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2011, 09:56 PM
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Born To Be Mild
 
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WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage
in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas present. They hadn't been dating for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note .... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a sexy pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrapping offer but the assistant got the gifts mixed up, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowningly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off the his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie;
I chose these because I've noticed that you don't wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you wear them for me on our next date.

All my love, Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
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  #1809 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2011, 01:10 PM
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my KARMA ran over my DOGMA
 

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good one malc...fuuurrr sure LMAO
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  #1810 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2011, 06:05 PM
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An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip s@#*.
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  #1811 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2011, 08:55 PM
Semper Gumby
 
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Some observations

Some observations on life......

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins. The old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number

13. Think about this .. No one ever says 'It's only a game' when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness – but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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  #1812 (permalink)  
Old 01-09-2011, 08:54 AM
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The Importance of Walking

A suggestion for your(annual) New Years Resolution::::::

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
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  #1813 (permalink)  
Old 01-09-2011, 08:56 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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and don't worry about those wrinkles, just eat more and fill them out
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  #1814 (permalink)  
Old 01-09-2011, 04:25 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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My Blackberry is not working!

http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm
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  #1815 (permalink)  
Old 01-10-2011, 07:24 AM
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Hammer Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuRDVfJsQHw
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