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  #1816 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2011, 12:44 PM
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My
wife came home with no panties!!' 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said.....

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION
WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU"
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  #1817 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2011, 01:02 PM
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This Is Priceless!
This-made my day, hope it does yours!!
Enjoy-It'll take your mind off the weather.
Texas Preacher

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.
"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said...........

" Hello, Darlin!! "
__________________
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #1818 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2011, 11:41 PM
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Winter in Saskatchewan

I just got off the phone with one of my friends in Saskatchewan.

He said that since early this morning, the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping and the north wind is increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window.



He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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  #1819 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2011, 01:01 AM
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my KARMA ran over my DOGMA
 

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Not before chopping some wood and fixing the flat tire on the bailer,,,

TJ
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  #1820 (permalink)  
Old 01-15-2011, 02:23 PM
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Did I Read That Sign Right?



TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In A Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In A Memphis Department Store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In An Office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In An Office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside A Second-Hand Shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice In Health Food Shop Window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted In a Safari Park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a Conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice In A Farmer's Field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message On A Leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On A Repair Shop Door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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  #1821 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2011, 08:03 AM
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My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Wife. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Houston together! Have a great life!


...and the reply:

Dear Ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & *****ing. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years. About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million dollar Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem .
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  #1822 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2011, 09:03 AM
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my KARMA ran over my DOGMA
 

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Thats perfect Dave LOL...

Nother one:

•Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon; bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked , or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast (even in Saskatchewan).
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  #1823 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2011, 11:33 AM
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I was Confused But Now I See

I became confused when I heard the word " Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue ' Service '
U.S. Postal ' Service '
Telephone ' Service '
Cable TV ' Service '
Stat! e, City, County & Public ' Service '
Customer ' Service '

This is not what I thought Service “meant”.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to' Service 'all his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.
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  #1824 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2011, 09:18 AM
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Doc Boudreaux

A very attractive and extremely shapely young lady, chaperoned by a equally very ugly, homely old lady, entered old Doctor Boudreaux's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl. "Mais, alright," Doc Boudreaux tells her. "Go behind dat curtain and take all you clothes off." "Oh no, it's not for me," said the girl. "it's for my old maiden aunt here." "Oh, well in dat case," Doc Boudreaux tells the elderly woman, "Lady, stick out you tongue !"
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  #1825 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2011, 01:24 PM
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Eternal Questions!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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  #1826 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:29 PM
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Boudreaux @ 86 Yrs. Old

Eight-six year-old Boudreaux was putting on his coat and cap one day, and Marie askeds him where he was going. "Mais, I'm goin' to see de doctor", he told her. She asked him if he was sick, to which he replied, "Oh no, Cher, I'm goin' to gets me some of dem new Viagra pills." Marie tells him, "Well hold on, I'm coming wid you." Boudeaux asks, "But why ?" Marie tells him, "Well if you goin' to start using dat old rusty ting again, I'm goin' get me a tetanus shot !"
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  #1827 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:31 PM
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Boudreaux @ 87 Yrs. Old

Eighty-seven year-old Boudreaux went to his doctor for his annual checkup. After he was finished, the doctor asked Boudreaux a few routine questions, one of course being, "And how is your sex life ?" Boudreaux tells him, "Oh, it's not too bad. Marie ain't too interested no more, but I manage to pick up a fresh one every now and den. Last week I did de 'nasty' wid three young women, none of dem over thirty years old. " The doctor commented, "Boudreaux, at your age, you better be careful. I hope you are taking some precautions." Boudreaux tells him, "Mais, sure I takes precautions, Doc. I don't gives none of dem my real name !"
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  #1828 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:48 PM
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Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Bill y Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."
__________________
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  #1829 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2011, 07:46 PM
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Basic Truths

*** Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

4. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

7. Bad decisions make good stories.

8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

10. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

11. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

12. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

13. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

14. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

15. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

16. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

17. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

18. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

19. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

20. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
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  #1830 (permalink)  
Old 01-17-2011, 09:32 PM
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my KARMA ran over my DOGMA
 

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My wife what a great Gal,

I met her in a revolving door and I have been going around with her ever since.
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