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  #1831 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2011, 09:05 AM
carsavvycook's Avatar
My 2 cents worth
 
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SCOTCH??

At Christmas time at school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted
fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher
lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and
asked, " Champagne ?.

"No," said the little boy..............

"It's a puppy!"

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  #1832 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2011, 10:04 AM
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The Redneck went to the hospital

As his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving,

The Nurse says

"Congratulations,

Your wife has had quints,

5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says,

"I'm not surprised,

I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies,

"You might want to consider getting it cleaned,

The babies are all black."
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  #1833 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2011, 11:44 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Oldie but Goodie !

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners... ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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  #1834 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2011, 11:52 AM
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Red Neck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
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  #1835 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2011, 01:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue54
"This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
Good one! Now for mine:

This fellow goes into a store and walks up to the return counter. He pulls some Polish sausage out of a bag and says to the person behind the return counter, "I want to return this Polish sausage".

The person behind the counter replies, "You must be Polish".

The customer becomes enraged and asks, "Whats that got to do with it? If I were returning Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?"

The man behind the counter says, "No".

The customer then asks, "If I were returning Cajun sausage would you ask me if I was Cajun?"

The man behind the counter says, "No".

The customer then asks, "Well why in the hell are you asking me if I'm Polish for returning Polish sausage?"

The man behind the counter says, "Because this is Discount Auto Parts".
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  #1836 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2011, 11:18 AM
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Toronto Maple Laughs

The police are cracking down on speeders heading into Toronto . For the first offense, they give you 2 Maple leaf tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

===================================

Q. What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup playoffs ?

A. The Toronto Maple Leafs

==============================

Q. What do the Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have in common?

A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

====================================



Q. How do you keep a Toronto maple Leaf out of your yard?

A. Put up a goalie net ..

======================================

Q. What do you call a Maple Leaf with a Stanley Cup ring?

A. Real Old

====================================

Q. How many Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley Cup ?

A. Nobody remembers.

=============================



Q. What do the Maple Leafs and possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
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  #1837 (permalink)  
Old 01-24-2011, 09:44 PM
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Free Medical care!

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a pat down, and if you mention Al Queda, you get a free colonoscopy!.
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  #1838 (permalink)  
Old 01-25-2011, 06:08 PM
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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to
enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really
have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and I was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"


So I told her to **** of
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  #1839 (permalink)  
Old 01-25-2011, 07:17 PM
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Especially for our Canadian folk here

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada . It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."


God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians??"





"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!

Dave W
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  #1840 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2011, 08:38 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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A special poem just for you


A fart is a pleasant thing...
It gives the belly ease...
It warms the bed in winter...
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet...
A fart can be loud...
Some just leave a powerful...
and Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short...
Or a fart can be long...
Some farts have been known...
To sound like a song.....

A fart can create...
A most curious medley...
A fart can be harmless...
Or silent...and deadly.

A fart might not smell...
While others are vile...
A fart may pass quickly...
Or linger a while...

A fart can occur...
In a number of places...
And leave everyone there...
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie...
To small elevators...
A fart will find all of us...
Sooner or later.

That farts are all bad...
Is simply not true...
We must never forget...
Sweet old farts like you!
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  #1841 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2011, 11:17 AM
carsavvycook's Avatar
My 2 cents worth
 
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It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?





I celebrated my birthday in July,
and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.


My daughter's birthday was in August
so I got her an iPod Touch




September came by so for her birthday
I got my wife an iRon.

>
It was around then
that the fight started......

What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon
can be integrated into the home network
with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service
Which inevitably led to the BLACK-i
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  #1842 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2011, 11:31 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For
being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years
old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
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  #1843 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2011, 05:52 PM
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A blonde city girl named Jennifer marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Jennifer, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Jennifer takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I GUESS IT'S TO HANG YOUR PANTS ON"'
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  #1844 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2011, 06:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
A special poem just for you


A fart is a pleasant thing...
It gives the belly ease...
It warms the bed in winter...
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet...
A fart can be loud...
Some just leave a powerful...
and Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short...
Or a fart can be long...
Some farts have been known...
To sound like a song.....

A fart can create...
A most curious medley...
A fart can be harmless...
Or silent...and deadly.

A fart might not smell...
While others are vile...
A fart may pass quickly...
Or linger a while...

A fart can occur...
In a number of places...
And leave everyone there...
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie...
To small elevators...
A fart will find all of us...
Sooner or later.

That farts are all bad...
Is simply not true...
We must never forget...
Sweet old farts like you!
Where did you get this one. I read it swapped a word or two, picked up the guitar and in about five minutes made a song out of it.LOL
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  #1845 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2011, 06:52 AM
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WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
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