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  #1846 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2011, 06:58 AM
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. 'Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me. 'So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

'HEBREWS'

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  #1847 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2011, 07:03 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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LMAO - - - I think the joke about the remote should be deleted "immediately" before other Wiffys see it
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  #1848 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2011, 12:10 PM
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For all you Fishing Nuts

http://www.snotr.com/video/5987
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  #1849 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2011, 01:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
For all you Fishing Nuts
OMG!!! I love fishing - but I would, after seeing that, NEVER go with that walking accident waiting to happen.
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  #1850 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2011, 07:38 PM
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What?

"Tee" Boudreaux Wants To Get Married

Tee Boudreaux burst into the house one day and said, "Momma, Poppa, guess what ! Me and Susie, from down de road decided to got married !" Boudreaux takes him aside and tells him, out of earshot from Marie, "Tee, I gots to tell you sumting. Back when I was young, I used to fool around on you Momma alot. Susie is really your half-sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her." Tee Boudreaux was, of course all let down, but eventually, he got over it. He met another real nice Cajun girl, and sure enough, one day he ran back into the house and announced, "Momma, Poppa, dis time it's for real ! Me an' Clarisse from across de swamp, we gonna got married !" Again Boudreaux takes him aside and tells him, "Tee, you remember what I tol' you last time ? I'm afraid Clarisse is your half-sister, too." By now, Tee Boudreaux really got his mad up real high, and decides to tell his Momma what's been going on with his Poppa. After he tells Marie what his Poppa had done, she tells him, "Tee Boudreaux, don't you worry yourself about dat a'tall. Go ahead an' marry de girl. Boudreaux ain't your real Poppa, anyhow !"
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  #1851 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2011, 10:07 PM
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Blonde Football Fan

With Super Bowl coming, this seemed timely.....


Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
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  #1852 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2011, 06:41 AM
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A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to Mountains of Tennessee and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
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  #1853 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2011, 07:21 AM
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Home Alone

A traveling salesman knocked on the Boudreaux's front door, to have it answered by a cigar-puffing, beer-drinking, ten-year-old "Tee" Boudreaux. The salesman asks, "Are your parents home, Son ?" Tapping his cigar ashes on the floor, and taking a healthy swig of his beer, "Tee" answers, "Mais, what de hell you tink, Mister ?"
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  #1854 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2011, 10:50 AM
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Street sign in GA:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2xnWYx8YK8

It takes about a minute to see the results
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  #1855 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2011, 10:44 PM
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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "what are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, he asked "well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
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  #1856 (permalink)  
Old 02-02-2011, 02:25 PM
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A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm. I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy, when you don't know s@#$?" And then she went back to reading her book
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  #1857 (permalink)  
Old 02-03-2011, 08:43 AM
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EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM



'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'



SCREW THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
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  #1858 (permalink)  
Old 02-03-2011, 12:04 PM
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After the last joke, I had a brief discussion with my bartender and this is what he had to say:

A Real Woman
A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will Never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…
No wait…Sorry..




I’m thinking of whiskey,
It’s whiskey that does all that stuff.
Never mind
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  #1859 (permalink)  
Old 02-03-2011, 06:58 PM
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After the last joke! How about this

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really
want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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  #1860 (permalink)  
Old 02-04-2011, 02:45 PM
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Due to the "horrible weather" in Tejas
Friday has been cancelled

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4D_Zui4H5Q
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