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  #1861 (permalink)  
Old 02-04-2011, 03:56 PM
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Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew

AP Wire- Raleigh , NC

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

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  #1862 (permalink)  
Old 02-04-2011, 06:36 PM
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LOL thats funny ,poor jeff....
Wratchit,dont forget to wrap your pipes....
I love this thread...
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  #1863 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2011, 07:30 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Warning: not for the weak stomachs
V
V
V
V
V
V
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V
V
V
Biker Chili

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spoonin’ it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that's as far as I got, too.”
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  #1864 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2011, 09:05 AM
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're screwed!"
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  #1865 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2011, 09:26 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Dang you Mikey, now get down here and clean this coffee off of my computer screen
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  #1866 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2011, 10:31 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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A taxidermist walks into a bar…


A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Minnesota .”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Minnesota?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”
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  #1867 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2011, 10:57 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Stevie - - - - that was Baaaaaaaaaaad
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  #1868 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2011, 11:35 AM
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job; given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"

"I've been divorced three times, owned an AMC Pacer and 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."
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  #1869 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2011, 03:38 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Little Boys and High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You
must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but
I appreciate your help.'
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  #1870 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2011, 12:34 PM
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Now thats funny
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  #1871 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2011, 03:04 PM
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my KARMA ran over my DOGMA
 

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Irish Car Joke

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four".

"You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over, we
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
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  #1872 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2011, 03:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
Little Boys and High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You
must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but
I appreciate your help.'

Man that is funny!
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  #1873 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2011, 07:14 PM
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Thermometers

With my upcoming hospital stay, a friend told me to watch out as there are two kinds of thermometers - oral and rectal - so I should be careful about which kind they put in my mouth!
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  #1874 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2011, 08:22 PM
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Super bowl!

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
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  #1875 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2011, 08:36 PM
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I don't understand?
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave57210
With my upcoming hospital stay, a friend told me to watch out as there are two kinds of thermometers - oral and rectal - so I should be careful about which kind they put in my mouth!
do you know how to tell the difference?















TASTE!
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