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  #1876 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2011, 07:38 PM
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thermometers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave57210
With my upcoming hospital stay, a friend told me to watch out as there are two kinds of thermometers - oral and rectal - so I should be careful about which kind they put in my mouth!
This is True, Wife started coming down with something on the way to the races @ Talledaga. Arrived on Thursday, By Friday she was real sick with some kinda flu, running bad fever. She would not budge on going to the Doctor. I didn't have a thermometer in the motor home. I'm really getting worried about her fever, so I grab the meat thermometer. I get her awake and she says, "You ain't sticking that up my ace". I tell her to calm down, I was gonna put it in your armpit Sweetie.

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  #1877 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2011, 12:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
A taxidermist walks into a bar…


A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Minnesota .”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Minnesota?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”
I am so stealing this joke. Stephen, freakin hilarious, I woke up the wife laughing and choking, trying to quit laughing.
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  #1878 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2011, 07:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave57210
With my upcoming hospital stay, a friend told me to watch out as there are two kinds of thermometers - oral and rectal - so I should be careful about which kind they put in my mouth!
Reminds me of one,,,

A doctor walks up to the nurses station in a hospital with a thermometer resting above/on his ear.

Nurse says "doctor what is that thermometer doing on your ear?"

Doc pulls out the thermometer and looks at it all the while surprised to see it there and says,,,

"Oh dam some as#hole has got my pen"
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  #1879 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2011, 10:00 AM
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There was a knock on the door one Saturday morning. Dawson opened it and there was a young guy standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

“Come in and sit down,” asked Dawson. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Damned if I know,” said the Witness. “I've never got this far before!”
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  #1880 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2011, 01:22 PM
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Understanding Engineers One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding
my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers Four


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No,
actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll
stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."



It helps if you are an engineer or know engineers well to really understand the way they think
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  #1881 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2011, 02:52 PM
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Understanding Economists

Ever listen to an economist? It goes like this: "well, if we assume that interest rates will..." - or - "If we assume an increase in...." - or "if we assume...."

So with that in mind:

An Engineer, an Economist and a physicist are stranded on a desert island. There are tons of canned food, but no can opener. The engineer is working out principles of leverage and applied force to see how to break into the cans. The physicist is working on burst strength, heat applications and other means. The economist is just goofing off. After a while the other two become frustrated and scream at him to DO SOMETHING, so the economist replies "ASSUME a can opener...."
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  #1882 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2011, 07:55 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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5,000 men were surveyed as to why they like

Blow Jobs ...

1% liked the warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked the eroticism
94% just liked the peace and quiet...
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  #1883 (permalink)  
Old 02-11-2011, 01:24 PM
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THE IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from
his bed one morning.. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission
parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a ******* lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church.

There's a ******* lying dead in me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk,

''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care
of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment............................................

Father O'Malley then replied:

'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of
kin.''
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  #1884 (permalink)  
Old 02-11-2011, 03:43 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she started to turn around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. Her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her (He was good looking to boot!). Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?

He answers, Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to S*it when I tell you the price!
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  #1885 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2011, 03:16 AM
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Totallyforgot the censorship, word deleted is a regular word in it´s own right but as the last three letters get it omitted.
It´s an animal, first part of name is Jack...

Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
THE IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from
his bed one morning.. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission
parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a ******* lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church.

There's a ******* lying dead in me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk,

''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care
of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment............................................

Father O'Malley then replied:

'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of
kin.''
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  #1886 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2011, 08:49 AM
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Thanks. I was totally stumped!
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  #1887 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2011, 09:48 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TucsonJay
Thanks. I was totally stumped!
do what I do - - - whenever I see a "noun" that is censored, I just substitute the words "Liberal Democrat" and it usually fits !
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  #1888 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2011, 10:00 AM
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Now that is even funnier! ...and that would have solved the puzzle, because the national symbol for that person is a *******!!!

...I mean a donkey. :-)
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  #1889 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2011, 10:13 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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10-4
Sorry for the temporary Hi-Jack folks - - - please continue
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  #1890 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2011, 04:12 PM
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If WW1 Was A Bar Fight

IF WORLD WAR ONE WAS A BAR FIGHT!

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the
middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's
pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there
are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for
Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a
bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers
to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look
at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests
that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires
as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany
appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this
is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.
Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain
is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?
Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will
render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany
whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a
corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not
looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and
punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches
Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia
with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and
nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room
that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone
by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back.
There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.
France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and
carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets
knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete
personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but
Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs
round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall
over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over
and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by
itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the
bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw
the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany
is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet,
and buy drinks for all their friends
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