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  #1906 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2011, 07:39 AM
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I remember ...
The real funny part is most people think its a joke.

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  #1907 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2011, 03:53 PM
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Free Medical

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a
breast exam, and - if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.
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  #1908 (permalink)  
Old 02-23-2011, 12:53 PM
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A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland , at midnight during a winter month.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.

So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.

He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force.

I've been in Thule , Greenland , for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' azzes are beginning to look pretty good to me.

I have one stripe; its 02:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump s**t out of an aircraft that you are the commander.



Now, Sir, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
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  #1909 (permalink)  
Old 02-23-2011, 01:39 PM
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All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I out lived all the "sun's of *****es" ..
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  #1910 (permalink)  
Old 02-24-2011, 11:07 AM
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BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This (supposedly) took place in Charlotte North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART....

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine...

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ... IT'S NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS
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  #1911 (permalink)  
Old 02-24-2011, 07:39 PM
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my KARMA ran over my DOGMA
 

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That is a great one,,,

"nuts" no not at all ,,, but in this case your legal system is apparently all rolled up in itself and destine to cash and burn
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  #1912 (permalink)  
Old 02-24-2011, 07:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Custom10
That is a great one,,,

"nuts" no not at all ,,, but in this case your legal system is apparently all rolled up in itself and destine to cash and burn

I hope you know when a lawyer is lying - it's when his lips are moving.

In my social, work and political life I have gotten to know too many lawyers. Most of them.......

I'll remind you as a Canadian that both of our law systems are based on English Common Law (all except Louisiana which is Napoleonic - huh!!) so your day will come .

Dave W
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  #1913 (permalink)  
Old 02-24-2011, 08:20 PM
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Lawyers

While the Canadian "legal" system is also based on British Common Law, there is also an exception: Quebec, which, like Louisiana, is a former French colony and has a legal system descended from Napoleonic Code

By the way, in the Canadian Province of Newfoundland, the local accent is such that "Lawyer" is pronounced in a manner a lot closer to "Liar"!
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  #1914 (permalink)  
Old 02-24-2011, 09:26 PM
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my KARMA ran over my DOGMA
 

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Well Quebec is not in the cards for me so I will start watching out for what we in Sask. call "All them other guys".

What do you call a monarchist in Saskatchewan?,,,

A cab

TJ
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  #1915 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2011, 07:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave57210
While the Canadian "legal" system is also based on British Common Law, there is also an exception: Quebec, which, like Louisiana, is a former French colony and has a legal system descended from Napoleonic Code

SAD!! I think I should have known that as <175 miles directly North of where I'm typing this lies that strange "country" of Quebec, perpetually trying to secede from Canada. I'll refrain from other comment about that "country"

Dave W
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  #1916 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2011, 08:38 AM
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There is nothing like 'due process" haha
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  #1917 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2011, 09:00 AM
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(Ain't it the Truth?)

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five per cent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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  #1918 (permalink)  
Old 02-26-2011, 10:55 AM
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Good nights sleep

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what

He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful"!

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him
all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a
man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man,
what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night." >:-}
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  #1919 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2011, 09:34 AM
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A very irate man called a pharmacist and accused him of insulting his wife. The pharmacist remembered the incident and began explaining what happened; he said I was late getting to the store it was raining and my key didnít want to work. After gaining entry I proceeded to break open a roll of quarters for the cash register and they went all over the floor so I was down on all fours picking them up when the phone rang. As I stood up to answer I forgot about the cash drawer being open and caught it with the side of my head; when I finally got to the phone it was your wife and she asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I told her!!
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  #1920 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2011, 11:17 AM
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YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling
something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily, if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it!
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