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  #1921 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2011, 12:40 PM
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Believe it or not...
These are Memphis, TN's

REAL 911 Calls!



Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is . . .
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn . . . I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
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  #1922 (permalink)  
Old 02-28-2011, 08:03 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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This is a good one.

Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher and before school started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even
noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year...

SEMPER FI
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  #1923 (permalink)  
Old 03-01-2011, 02:53 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Working in the Oil Patch !
1. We work in weird shifts …. Like prostitutes.
2. They pay you to make the client happy .... Like prostitutes.
3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny
... Like prostitutes.
4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams ... Like prostitutes.
5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same
Profession as you ... Like prostitutes.
6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed ... Like prostitutes.
7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell ...
Like prostitutes.
8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you
... Like prostitutes.
9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties explaining it ...
Like prostitutes.
10. Every day when you wake up, you say: “I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE DOING THIS $ h i t”..... Like prostitutes.


If you know someone in the oil industry please share this with them so They don't feel bad anymore....Like prostitutes
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  #1924 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2011, 07:16 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you sweetheart, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, ***** ho1e, I was talking to the dog".
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  #1925 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2011, 08:28 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine..
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world;
it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on

a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ***, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!
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  #1926 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2011, 06:24 AM
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Lori, a young and natural blond woman, was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days, but finally she returned.

Her friend, Susan, never saw Lori looking so sad. "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay. But you look so sad. Why?

Lori said, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Susan replied, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Lori said, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods because I needed to find something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Susan said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Lori replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Susan asked, "So, how is that gonna help you get a man."

Lori answered, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
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  #1927 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2011, 10:01 AM
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I feel like a Valedictorian!

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00. I said "May I have large bills, please." She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same
size." When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

IDIOTSIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more
often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember
to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent. (PRICELESS!)
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us......and they VOTE and hold office...
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  #1928 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2011, 11:38 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....'
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  #1929 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2011, 11:40 AM
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Born To Be Mild
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....'
That IS funeeee...............thanks WR.
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  #1930 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2011, 11:42 AM
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The Power of Vaseline
Biker Joe bought a Harley which is 10 years old, but shiny and in absolute mint condition. He asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just
before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom... 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....

'OK, I'll do the f@#^*^*#g dishes!!!'
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"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #1931 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2011, 04:25 PM
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A redneck farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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  #1932 (permalink)  
Old 03-04-2011, 08:30 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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"The Shower Caddy"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQO2a8kcCl8
You just can't satisfy some of them.
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  #1933 (permalink)  
Old 03-04-2011, 08:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
"The Shower Caddy"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQO2a8kcCl8
You just can't satisfy some of them.
I think it's appropriate!!!!

Now - for the little lady..........

Gorilla Headache
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Last edited by Irelands child; 03-04-2011 at 08:53 AM.
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  #1934 (permalink)  
Old 03-06-2011, 02:18 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Leave it to an army officer and . . .



Subject: Camel Sex



A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.


He asked the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.

That's why we have Molly The Camel."


The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain started having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stood on the ladder, pulled his pants down and had wild, insane sex with the camel.


When he was finished, he asked the Sergeant, "'Is that how the men do it?"




"Not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town...... where the girls are."
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  #1935 (permalink)  
Old 03-06-2011, 05:48 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Caution this can be funny

I like the part of bert reynolds coaxing the pacaderm into the trailor.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=978Pk...eature=related

Last edited by carsavvycook; 03-06-2011 at 06:04 PM.
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