A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. His reflexes are quick & he grabs it out of the air & hands it back to her.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' The woman says, as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' She says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' He said, 'You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, ' They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'
The man dated the firs t daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... pigeon-toed.'
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
'Well, 'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell … cross-eyed.'
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry.'
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
' Well,' explained the Redneck, 'she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ...
pregnant when you met her.'
Not a good as Dave's, but the best I can do on a short notice-
The Little Red Hen
Once upon a time, on a farm in Texas , there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant & water it?"
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread.
"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow. ( Nancy Pelosi)
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Jimmy Carter)
And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then a government agent came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread, because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared ... so long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for.
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything. IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OF A COUNTRY OR WHAT?
Why do some people always do their best to rain on your parade?
A woman was at the hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to her hairdresser who responded: 'Rome? Why would anyone want t! o go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'
'We're taking Continental,' was the reply, 'We got a great rate!'
'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'
'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River. It's called Teste.'
'Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks
it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is terrible, and they're way overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?'
'We're going to go to see the Vatican, and we hope to see the Pope.'
'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You, and about a million other people, trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'
A month later, the woman saw her hairdresser on the street. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but they gave us a free upgrade to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job. Now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'
'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.'
'Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'
'Oh really! What did he say?'
He said: 'Where'd you get that terrible haircut?
For the old codgers amongst us:
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I like to just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know. The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down' she says. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then looks up and says 'Where's my toast?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy 'So I hear you're getting married.' 'Yep!. Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor .'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
And just one more!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Definitely an OLDIE and Positively a GOODIE
Daddy's Rules for Dating
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.
It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.
Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders.
But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish."
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL". So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota or the Dakotas---- the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.
And now you know the true story.
As the father of my second 16 year old daughter,,( the first one is now 23) wretched ratchet's post rings all too true...I had to explain to the father of the boy my daughter is currently dating why I made a copy of his kids driver's license and got his license plate #.
Yes I am a ***** sometimes..
So now we know why Dinger moved to Visalia.
Here is one I'm sure alot of you have seen, but I still laugh every time.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> __________________________________________________ __________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something yo u forgot?
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ______________________ ________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old i s he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS : Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ___________________________________ ___
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Guess.
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
> And the best for last:
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
my signature lines...not really directed at anyone in particular..
BE different....ACT normal.
No one is completely useless..They can always be used as a bad example
LOL, nothing better than good lawyer jokes
A dyslexic goes to rob a bank.
He walks in & says:
"Air in the hands, you motherstickers, this is a f**k up!"
Thanks Mikey - I really needed those chuckles. I think I have met a few of those lawyers
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
re:daily funny con't(ad nauseum)
A guy from kentucky goes to rhe mall doing some back to school shopping with his young daughter. after shopping for awhile they bump into his old high school buddy,after the usual formalities his buddy says to him; who's that sweet young thing with you? he says;why that's my daughter. well,how old is she? she's 14. Well,as they say,you can't be too carefull these days,is she sexually active? Nah! she just lays there like her momma.
why don't sharks bite lawyers? professional courtesy!
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