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  #1951 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2011, 09:32 AM
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Some Irish Humor for the day !

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

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  #1952 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2011, 01:37 AM
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Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. "

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners
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  #1953 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2011, 01:47 PM
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A man goes into Angus & Robertson's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,


"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title.

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."
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  #1954 (permalink)  
Old 03-20-2011, 07:09 PM
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Sad news today. I heard that Stephen was cleaning his slingshot and it went off accidentally and shot him in the foot.
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  #1955 (permalink)  
Old 03-22-2011, 09:24 PM
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a drunk woman walks into a tattoo parlor and demands a tattoo of elvis way up high on her inner thigh. the tattooist has her pull her skirt up and her panties off and tattoos her.


when he is finished he shows her a mirror and has her look at her new art.


"that aint elvis!" she says
"yes it is." he says
"no it aint I aint paying for an elvis tattoo that doesn't look like elvis!"
"ok ok I'll do it again on the other side."


the tattooist goes slowly and carefully working in the uppermost part of her inner thigh and when he finishes he shows her the mirror to see her new art.




"that aint elvis!" she says
"yes it is." he says
"no it aint I aint paying for two elvis tattoos that don't look like elvis!"
"ok ok" the tattooist says" ill make you a deal, Ill bring in the first person I see. I'll have him look at your tattoos and if he says one looks like elvis you pay for both. if he can't say one looks like elvis you don't pay."
"ok thats fair"


the tattooist goes outside and the first person he sees is a drunken bum. he drags him inside and asks him to look at her tattoos and tell them who he sees.


the drunk staggers a bit and gets down in close between her legs. he looks left and he looks right. he takes his time. finally he stands up and turns to the tattooist and says, " i dunno who them other guys are, but the guy in the middle is definitely willie nelson!"
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  #1956 (permalink)  
Old 03-23-2011, 12:59 PM
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A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,
"How long will it be before I am able to have
a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.....
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that
after having their tonsils out."
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  #1957 (permalink)  
Old 03-23-2011, 01:27 PM
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You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.
Now that's stressful.

At the hospital they say she is pregnant and congratulate you on becoming a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl insists that you are.


This is becoming very stressful.

So then.... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are definitely not the father, because you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.



NOW THAT'S REAL STRESS!!!
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  #1958 (permalink)  
Old 03-25-2011, 10:57 PM
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THE AMBIDEXTROUS GOLFER

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed. They couldn't figure her out.

She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned.

"That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
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  #1959 (permalink)  
Old 03-28-2011, 04:04 PM
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FUNNY QUOTES FROM AMERICAN POLITICS

"Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so."
Gore Vidal.

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
Will Rogers.

"Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git."
Alexai Sayle.

"In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes."
Adlai Stevenson.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
Bob Dole.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dan Quayle (...more Dan Quayle Quotes).

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers We are the president."
Hillary Clinton.
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  #1960 (permalink)  
Old 03-28-2011, 04:28 PM
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Those would be funny...... if some of them weren't so true!!! {:-)
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  #1961 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2011, 09:24 AM
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Will I Live to see 90?

Will I Live to see 90?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for
my age. (I just turned sixty nine).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even care?


THIS IS MY KIND OF DOCTOR!!!!


Dave W
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  #1962 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2011, 09:29 AM
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  #1963 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2011, 06:47 PM
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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:"Oh he did--- did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora......The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"
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  #1964 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2011, 04:58 AM
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interesting...

Subject: 2011


This year we're going to experience four unusual dates: 1/1/11;
11/1/11; 1/11/11; 11/11/11 and that's not all... Take the last two
digits of the year in which you were born. Now add the age you will be
this year, and the result will be 111 for everyone!
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  #1965 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2011, 05:34 PM
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So you think you have a sh*** job? (1)

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