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  #1966 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2011, 04:35 PM
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So you think you have a sh*** job? (2)

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  #1967 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2011, 05:09 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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LMAO - - - looks like the Sarg done promoted him to PLO - - - - - aka "No Time For Sargents"
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  #1968 (permalink)  
Old 04-02-2011, 01:36 AM
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So you think you have a sh*** job? (3)

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  #1969 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2011, 08:46 PM
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Budget cuts....

The Government has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim Unemployment or Welfare Benefits.


Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in English only.
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  #1970 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2011, 11:05 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard


4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

You're gonna love this...

NASA responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
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  #1971 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2011, 02:45 PM
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Ponderisms

PONDERISMS - Just a few things to consider

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?


3. OK..... So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, dry cleaners depressed and prostitutes delayed?

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

Dave W
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  #1972 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2011, 10:58 AM
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The Mississippi Debutante Ball


A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.
They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.
They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point: No Jews please.

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation.
In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.
His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.

Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.
We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.'

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."

"Mistake? No Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
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  #1973 (permalink)  
Old 04-06-2011, 09:17 AM
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Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin.
Ve oughta do dis more often."Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"Sven questioned,
"Haff you farted yet?"Ole stopped to think. "No ""Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa
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  #1974 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2011, 08:18 AM
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True Love

A Man is sitting on the veranda with his wife when suddenly he says, "I Love You".

His Wife asks, "Is that you or the beer talking"?

He replies, "It's Me, talking to the beer".

True Love
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  #1975 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2011, 12:51 AM
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A woman had been a prostitute for years and was really worried about the size of her vagina on her wedding night. So she decided to tell her husband that she caught it when climbing over a farmers fence. After an hour in bed with her, he asked, just how far across the feild did you get before you realised.
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  #1976 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2011, 12:56 AM
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My buddy's wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping. He said not too bad..I've been using that powered stuff.
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  #1977 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2011, 11:52 AM
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A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the ol'-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his ambition to be a great quick-draw... "Could you give me some tips?" he asked.

The ol'-timer said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the cowboy.

"Sure will," replied the ol' man.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep," said the ol'-timer. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy.

"You bet it will," said the ol'-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" he asked again.

The ol'-timer pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young shooter smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the ol'-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young cowboy.

"No." said the ol'-timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano and shoves that gun up your butt, it won't hurt so much."
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  #1978 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2011, 11:59 AM
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A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE VICTORIA AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CALGARY.

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CALGARY AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN,YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CALGARY '
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  #1979 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2011, 01:30 PM
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well because the dispute occurs on my land I get to go first. I kick you three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from his tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushin from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn."







(I love this part)









The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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  #1980 (permalink)  
Old 04-12-2011, 03:04 PM
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I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas...



The clerk farted, took my money and gave me a receipt.
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