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  #2056 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2011, 05:18 AM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Thanks for the info - - I did enjoy the read.
Guess we'd better give this thread back to
it's original topic, eh?
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  #2057 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2011, 10:41 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Joke Time !

A guy is driving along late one night when he's pulled over by a policeman.

The cop asks him where he's going at this time of night.

He say's" I'm going to an alcohol awareness lecture where we'll hear about the dangers of drinking and how it can ruin your health and your relationships"

The cop says, " who's giving a lecture like that at this time of night?"

The guy responds, "My wife"
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  #2058 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2011, 12:31 PM
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The 'Perfect Password'

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would
now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.



The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering P...E...N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:







**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
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  #2059 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2011, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.


Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.


Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"


She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"


Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it , with the insurance money!"


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blowjob I promised you?"

"Here it comes."



NOW that is real funny
im gunna use that one!

later gator
russ

as an aside i had an aunty who had her husbands ashes and they were in an urn on her mantlepiece above the fire.I always felt a bit eerie round her place.My uncle was a real nice guy, always drove american too.His last car was a bel air.Wonder where that car is now???
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  #2060 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2011, 10:01 PM
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Another aside.

I used to install fireplace inserts. We were at a house, hustle bustle everywhere, pool was getting re-tiled, new cabinets, kitchen floor, a basic remodel. I was spotting the mantelpiece while my partner cut the damper out, it vibrates like crazy and anything on the mantel can vibrate off to the floor. There was an urn on the mantel, the date of death was just about 2 weeks prior. We finished up our job, about a $5000 complete, the widow was paying us for the labor, so I told her I was sorry for her loss. She says "I'm not sorry. I put up with that tight wad S.O.B. for 40 years, now I can spend some money to make this dump nice again!"
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  #2061 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2011, 10:09 PM
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lmfao, i bet you laughed all the way out the drive.My uncle was 1 out the box, he and my aunt used to take us out all the time when we were littlins.They were my faves.Both long gone now!

later gator
russ
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  #2062 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2011, 10:59 PM
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Inconsiderate neighbor

My neighbor was banging on my door last night at 3:30 in the morning

Lucky for him I was still up, practicing my bagpipes.....
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  #2063 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2011, 03:40 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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(dedicated to Nolan and Randy)
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got up at 3am and headed to the bayou for some hunting, trapping and fishing. As Thibodeaux was driving his old 58 International Pickup down the narrow south Louisiana back road, Boudreaux would holler STOP and Thibodeaux would slam on his brakes and Boudreaux would get out, take a piece of chalk out of the bib overall top pocket and draw a big circle around any roadkill that happened to be in the road. He did that consistently all the way to where the boat was tied to a tree by the bayou and during the trip he drew circles around dead possums, squirrels, nutrient, racoon, skunk, frogs, deer, hogs and a few large snakes. All of this time Thibodeaux kept silent and didn't say a word but when they stopped the truck and started loading their guns, rods and reels and other stuff in the boat, he said - - - "Boudreaux why you holler STOP all the way here and den git out and make a circle 'round dem dead critters?" Boudreaux just smiled, stuck out his chest and said - - - "Well Thib (he called him that cause they were close friends) - - Thib iffin wez spends all day out cher hunting, fishing and trapping and don't have to have any luck at all - -- - - then everything lying in road on the way home that doesn't have a chalk circle around it is TONIGHT'S GUMBO !"
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  #2064 (permalink)  
Old 05-24-2011, 07:42 PM
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I was eating lunch a couple of weeks ago with my 10-year-old nephew, when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?"



He said, "It's President's Day."



She asked, "What does that mean?"



I was waiting for something profound...



He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have 2 more years of unemployment."



You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose...
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  #2065 (permalink)  
Old 05-25-2011, 06:16 AM
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Beware of older men....


A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds'
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  #2066 (permalink)  
Old 05-25-2011, 10:13 AM
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RD Jokes/My picks for best of the month

The nurse had an elderly patient pay her a wonderful compliment. You're so beautiful, she said. Thats so sweet of you to say. I rarely hear flattering comments about my looks. The old lady says, thats cause you're fat, but you're still pretty.

Some people brought a dog to the vet that had drank antifreeze. Vet sent assistant to liquor store to get a bottle of the cheapest vodka they had, explaining that an alcohol IV drip would clear out the poisonous antifreeze.
The assistant rushed into the liquor store, grabbed a bottle and rushed to the counter. Believe it or not, this is for a very sick dog, she said. As she was leaving an old drunk grabbed up two bottles cheap wine and said, yeah right and these are for my sick cats.

A lady's husband sent her 25 yellow roses on the week of their 25th anniversary. A few days later she picked and dried the pedals. On the anniversary night, she spread them all over the bed and layed in the middle with a sexy negligee on. She figured that would get a reaction from her husband. When he saw her he shouted, what are you doing with all them potato chips on the bed?

Ol Sarah always stuck her nose into everyone's business. She spotted the truck belonging to her neighbor George parked in front of the strip club bar all afternoon. She confronted him at church on Sunday in front of the whole congregation. George, you know that everyone that sees your truck there knows what you're doing, you sinner. George just looked away and ignored her. Later that evening he parked his truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
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  #2067 (permalink)  
Old 05-27-2011, 08:30 PM
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Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:
"You Gotta Be S***tin' Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?' Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said,
'You gotta be S***tin' me.'
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  #2068 (permalink)  
Old 05-31-2011, 12:14 AM
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Rats!

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux , you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?"

Boudreaux explains, "Man. dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once".

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around.

So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake.Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."

Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra."

Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?"

Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."
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  #2069 (permalink)  
Old 05-31-2011, 03:33 PM
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An Old Guy (not In The Best Of Shape) Was Working Out In The Gym When He Spotted A Sweet Young Thing... He Asked The Trainer That Was Near By "what Machine In Here Should I Use To Impress That Sweet Thing Over There?"

The Trainer Looked Him Up And Down And Said "i Would Try The Atm In The Lobby".......
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  #2070 (permalink)  
Old 06-01-2011, 12:27 AM
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For those of a certain age.....

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my conditionbecause this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

------------------------------ -----------

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

------------------------------ -----------

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

------------------------------ ------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for

------------------------------ ------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

------------------------------ --------------

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth , think of Algebra.
------------------------------ ---------------

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

------------------------------ ----------------

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

------------------------------ ----------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

------------------- ----------- ----------------

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

------------------------------ -----------------

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

------------------------------ ---------- ------

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

------------------------------ --------

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zip per.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

------------------------------ -------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..

Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide. The first old guy says to the
second guy, "Sorry about that; I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a
coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you
find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old,
tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust,
and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."

Always remember:
The key to a long life involves a strict exercise regimen, a low fat, low sugar low salt diet, and low alcohol intake. This explains why old people are so cranky.

Last edited by Dave57210; 06-01-2011 at 12:41 AM.
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