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  #2086 (permalink)  
Old 06-12-2011, 09:28 AM
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A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.

--------------------------------------------------------

I was explaining to my wife the other night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The doctor said I should recover completely

-------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the guy in Australia who bought a new boomerang and went crazy trying to throw the old one away?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why did the chicken cross the road? Just to prove to the raccoon and th 'possum that it can be done.

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  #2087 (permalink)  
Old 06-14-2011, 11:23 PM
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Ferrari ash tray.
Buy now price: 3975$.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Ferrari-Nardi-st...item519394de5e

Last edited by staleg; 06-14-2011 at 11:35 PM.
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  #2088 (permalink)  
Old 06-15-2011, 06:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by staleg
Ferrari ash tray.
Buy now price: 3975$.
I don't care what you say, that's funny!
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  #2089 (permalink)  
Old 06-15-2011, 06:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by staleg
Ferrari ash tray.
Buy now price: 3975$.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Ferrari-Nardi-st...item519394de5e
The frightening thing - someone will probably buy it for that price
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  #2090 (permalink)  
Old 06-16-2011, 01:06 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Is it just my imagination?
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  #2091 (permalink)  
Old 06-18-2011, 08:39 PM
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It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon..

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.




I should be out of the hospital next week and eventually fully recover!!
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  #2092 (permalink)  
Old 06-19-2011, 07:16 AM
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Lesson For The Day

*PARAPROSDOKIANS - lesson for the day! Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Okay, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (one of my favorites)

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
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  #2093 (permalink)  
Old 06-21-2011, 02:40 AM
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I've just tried to book tickets for an Elvis tribute show. It was a right nightmare, that automated phoneline.



I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.....
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  #2094 (permalink)  
Old 06-21-2011, 09:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
I've just tried to book tickets for an Elvis tribute show. It was a right nightmare, that automated phoneline.



I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.....
Thankfully I didn't have a mouthful of coffee, I guess I am wising up in my old age when I read the joke page, this one caught me off guard.It hit my little brain, spun around about 4 times and Wham! I got it! LMAO!
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  #2095 (permalink)  
Old 06-21-2011, 04:57 PM
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Never bid against Willie Nelson at an auction, he is always the highest bidder.
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  #2096 (permalink)  
Old 06-22-2011, 01:41 AM
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I was really depressed last night, so I called the suicide hotline.
I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and wanted to know if I can drive a truck.
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  #2097 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2011, 02:05 PM
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I was horrified to find out this morning that I have Italian blood.

Luckily, it's only a little bit on the front valance.
Most of it is under the arches where you can't see it...
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  #2098 (permalink)  
Old 06-24-2011, 06:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
I've just tried to book tickets for an Elvis tribute show. It was a right nightmare, that automated phoneline.



I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.....

AAHHHHHHHH!
I have Blue Suede Shoes stuck in my head.
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  #2099 (permalink)  
Old 06-25-2011, 06:00 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the diceand with an Irish brogue yelled: 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! YES! . . . I WON, I WON! I WON !!! '

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men.
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  #2100 (permalink)  
Old 06-28-2011, 11:34 AM
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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there'sRyan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true."Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
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