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  #2146 (permalink)  
Old 08-01-2011, 12:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
HAHAHAHA, youze gotz web footies yet??
just bought a pair of frog feet shoes,, my walking on water shoes don't work anymore,, must have made someone higher up ,,, mad

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  #2147 (permalink)  
Old 08-01-2011, 11:01 PM
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I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, " The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot ..." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs. "

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, " Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered. "
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  #2148 (permalink)  
Old 08-02-2011, 01:56 AM
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At Amy Winehouse's funeral recently, Elton John sang a beautiful rendition of "candle under the spoon"
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  #2149 (permalink)  
Old 08-02-2011, 02:56 PM
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If you lay all the poos you do in a month end to end, your landlord will throw you out.
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  #2150 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2011, 05:26 AM
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Terrorists have started planting bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti.



if one of them explodes, it could spell disaster!
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  #2151 (permalink)  
Old 08-06-2011, 07:31 PM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RzcvFLPg1A&sns=em

Sorry just couldn't resist!
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  #2152 (permalink)  
Old 08-06-2011, 10:34 PM
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A guy had been with his wife for many years and loved her... he got her name tattooed on his member. when it was hard.. it said wendy... when it wasn't.. it said "WY".

one day, the man goes on a trip by himself to jamaica. and stops in a bathroom. and sees a guy in the urinal next to him and noticed his member said "WY". the guy says "excuse me... but does that stand for wendy???" the jamaican says "no mon... that says 'welcome to jamaica and have a nice day!!'"
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  #2153 (permalink)  
Old 08-07-2011, 05:39 AM
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One of the funniest stand-ups I've seen.
(compliments of Carsavycook)
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1B4AZI
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  #2154 (permalink)  
Old 08-07-2011, 03:43 PM
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IRISH BIRTH CONTROL
Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.


The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer
hoosband two years ago?'


She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there
any wee little ones yet?'


She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'


The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a fertility candle for ye
and yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..


Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
have ye any wee ones yet?'


She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'


The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out the fookin candle.'
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  #2155 (permalink)  
Old 08-07-2011, 03:46 PM
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Make Somebody Happy


Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot of plane said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy."!! If you're one of 256 million, pass this on!
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  #2156 (permalink)  
Old 08-08-2011, 07:53 AM
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I hosted an African themed evening at my house yesterday.






There was no food & the drinks were 12 miles away!
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  #2157 (permalink)  
Old 08-10-2011, 11:42 AM
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
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  #2158 (permalink)  
Old 08-10-2011, 02:12 PM
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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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  #2159 (permalink)  
Old 08-10-2011, 08:27 PM
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PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'

He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the Boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

SMILE, God Loves you!
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  #2160 (permalink)  
Old 08-12-2011, 08:48 PM
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IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled
six illegal aliens wearing Obama tee shirts,
four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers,
nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their butt cracks,
eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English,
three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.


FOR THE LAST TIME...
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
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