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  #2161 (permalink)  
Old 08-15-2011, 07:29 AM
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Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.


11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

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  #2162 (permalink)  
Old 08-15-2011, 05:36 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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I hope this will be clickable so Y'all can enjoy this old boy's story and laugh as hard as I did. He has a way with words for sure.

http://www.autoblog.com/2010/10/28/h...975-internati/
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  #2163 (permalink)  
Old 08-16-2011, 05:00 AM
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Auto Mechanic Prank Call.
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  #2164 (permalink)  
Old 08-16-2011, 02:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
I hope this will be clickable so Y'all can enjoy this old boy's story and laugh as hard as I did. He has a way with words for sure.

http://www.autoblog.com/2010/10/28/h...975-internati/
That dude sure does have a way with words,,, quite the discriptive vocbuary ,,,,,,,,,,,has this story had any effect on your thoughts on your new purchase? Hopeyou don't hav e the same problems,,,
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  #2165 (permalink)  
Old 08-16-2011, 02:21 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Hahahaha, got to admit that it did cross my mind. However, I just got off the phone with the feller that is picking my truck up at Bob's and he is taking it to his shop in Fargo where he can get "his" truck and trailer bearings serviced and then will have it here Monday evening. END OF HI-JACK
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  #2166 (permalink)  
Old 08-16-2011, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by malc

Fricking FUNNY!
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  #2167 (permalink)  
Old 08-16-2011, 02:45 PM
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The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own
oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to
do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to
Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do
this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and
say we only found two."
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  #2168 (permalink)  
Old 08-16-2011, 02:59 PM
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http://wimp.com/airswimmers/
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  #2169 (permalink)  
Old 08-18-2011, 08:08 AM
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Remove all spillables and spitables from computer area!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzLMMB5b94M
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  #2170 (permalink)  
Old 08-21-2011, 05:38 PM
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A few good Senior Moments

Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning nor knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
* * * * *
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He=went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
* * * * *
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
* * * * *
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really a treat.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finaly said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns?”
'Do you mean a rose?'
Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
* * * * *
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital/
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
* * * * *
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write =t down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
* * * * *
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because=she can still drive!'
* * * * *
Three old guy’s are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..
* * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
* * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor say Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
* * * * *
One more. . .
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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  #2171 (permalink)  
Old 08-22-2011, 11:00 PM
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Smart Kid

A family living way out in the mountains finally gets lucky. The old man hits the lottery. With their new found wealth, they decide to send their oldest son to college. So, the father gives the son $500.00 and sends him off.

When he gets to college, he finds it has girls and parties and beer and he has himself a good old time till he runs out of money. So, he calls home and says to his father, "Dad, you know our coon dog Old Blue can learn to talk here at the college. Then he could tell you right where the best squirrel and rabbit hunting is. Only catch is it costs $1,000.00."

Well, dad thinks this is a pretty good idea so he sends Old Blue off to the college and gives his son $1,000.00 for the dog to learn to talk. After a while, the boy runs out of money again and calls home and tells this father, "I was talking to Old Blue last night and he wants to learn to read and write. Only problems is that it will cost another $2,000.00."

"Old Blue talks that well now?" asks the father.

"Oh sure," says the son. "He talks all the time now."

So, the father sends the boy another $2,000.00 and with this the boy gets through the semester and it's time to go home. But the problem is this dumb dog following him around. He can't bring the dog home so he takes the dog in the woods and shoots him. Now he has to figure out how to explain that the dog is gone. So, he calls his father and says,"Old Blue was working on the computer last night writing his memoirs and he asked me a question."

"Working on his memoirs?" says the father. "That's pretty amazing."

"Sure is." says the son. "Anyway, he wanted to know if Tuesday nights when Mom goes to the church to play bingo, do you still go over to visit that red headed widow across town?"

After a minute of silence the old man says,"Shoot the dog."
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  #2172 (permalink)  
Old 08-23-2011, 11:46 AM
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Old 08-24-2011, 05:16 AM
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Quite courageous to expose your picture like this when you have such a silly haircut!
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  #2174 (permalink)  
Old 08-24-2011, 06:29 AM
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At one time I think he was commodored into a life of single living but hangs out at local icehouses for drinks and tips now.
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  #2175 (permalink)  
Old 08-24-2011, 07:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
At one time I think he was commodored into a life of single living but hangs out at local icehouses for drinks and tips now.
Yep. Ol' Lionel just ain't what he usta be. Been so long that I forgot his downfall.
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