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  #2176 (permalink)  
Old 08-24-2011, 03:11 PM
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh! Kill any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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  #2177 (permalink)  
Old 08-24-2011, 03:14 PM
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BLONDIE'S REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane
energy efficient kind, and today,
I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that
in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot .
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  #2178 (permalink)  
Old 08-25-2011, 10:48 AM
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Sadly enuff this reminds me of a few of my Grandkids
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  #2179 (permalink)  
Old 08-25-2011, 06:01 PM
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Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

The son says: "At school, dad".

Robot slaps the son!

"Okay, I watched a DVD at my friends house!"

"What DVD?"

"Toy story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"Okay, it was a porno!" Cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mom laughs. "Hahaha! He's certainly your son!"

Robot slaps the Mom.........
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  #2180 (permalink)  
Old 08-25-2011, 08:25 PM
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Subject: Employee Notice


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give their citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
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  #2181 (permalink)  
Old 08-26-2011, 03:48 AM
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Camilla's new shoes


Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour.

But it would not budge.

'Harder!' Yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling, but it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on! Give it all you've got!' She cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed: 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said:

'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out: 'Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter'

At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:

'That's my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
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  #2182 (permalink)  
Old 08-27-2011, 05:11 PM
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President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continues an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers turning over in their graves.
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  #2183 (permalink)  
Old 08-28-2011, 12:08 AM
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Washington quake

I heard that some T-party folks were in a panic because they thought it was a full-on seismic shift and now the entire capital now leans slightly to the left......
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  #2184 (permalink)  
Old 08-29-2011, 12:22 AM
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A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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  #2185 (permalink)  
Old 09-03-2011, 03:21 PM
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It was a time when they really knew how to sell projectors!
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  #2186 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2011, 10:10 AM
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OOH , Hostile Projectiles
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  #2187 (permalink)  
Old 09-06-2011, 12:43 AM
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A professor at Clemson University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
No one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here,
And tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way
Up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"


Ahmed replied, "*****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
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  #2188 (permalink)  
Old 09-07-2011, 03:17 PM
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Two elderly men happen to meet at the market after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one of them asks how the other one's wife was doing.

"Oh, I guess you haven't heard that Ethel died last week! She went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh, man! I'm very sorry." replied his friend. "What did you do?"

"I opened a can of green beans instead."

(I don't write them, I just post them)
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  #2189 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:02 PM
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Agree with these or not, they were uttered on national TV recently:

You know the honeymoon is over
when the comedians start.


The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like
Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like
and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama
call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with
tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat
in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink,
who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of
the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the
Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
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  #2190 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2011, 11:10 PM
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Cluade The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. .." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH+T*!" said the Hypnotist.

What a mess. It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
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