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  #2191 (permalink)  
Old 09-09-2011, 07:31 AM
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[QUOTE=

Q: What was the most positive result of
the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the
Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman[/QUOTE]
LOL ,I was wondering why I havent seen any In a while.I couldnt have ran them ALL off the road.
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  #2192 (permalink)  
Old 09-09-2011, 08:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deadbodyman
LOL ,I was wondering why I havent seen any In a while.I couldnt have ran them ALL off the road.
I saw the first Obama "Change" sticker in a while on a clapped out Prius from Vermont on the Northway. I had to restrain my normally very quiet wife from flipping off the driver
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  #2193 (permalink)  
Old 09-11-2011, 01:34 PM
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A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf, when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense, that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee!' she said.

'Where?' he asked..

'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.

He nodded, knowingly and said, 'Your stance is too wide.'
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  #2194 (permalink)  
Old 09-11-2011, 11:48 PM
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Those Dang 4-Hour Erection Problems
What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.
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  #2195 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2011, 06:35 PM
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A Police STOP at 2 AM :
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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  #2196 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2011, 07:42 PM
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Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is
Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about!

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****!
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  #2197 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2011, 07:47 PM
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Seven retired Jewish Floridian's were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue
playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks,
"So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the bad
news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, & don't make a bad situation
any worse.

"Discreet..? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion
is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is
afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
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  #2198 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2011, 08:06 PM
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At a wedding party recently someone yelled,

"All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made
your life worth living."


The bartender was crushed to death.
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  #2199 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2011, 07:34 AM
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Bill, is driving down a back road in Alabama ..
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lordy mercy!" he says to himself, "Them's my three favorites!"

Did you know???? The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroitwas 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti- Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls. I can hear your groans from here.
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  #2200 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2011, 11:51 AM
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Subject: Breaking News

GOOD PLAN BY BHO! HE KNOWS HOW TO "GIT 'ER DONE"


BREAKING NEWS!!

To save the economy, on September 19, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.


Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!


I started crying when I thought of you.
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  #2201 (permalink)  
Old 09-27-2011, 12:12 PM
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"GO GIANTS"
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  #2202 (permalink)  
Old 09-28-2011, 09:19 AM
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So there I was, in Elton John's Manor House, sitting at his grand piano, playing out my rendition of Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata', trying to remember how it went, when I suddenly thought to myself....


I wonder if he knows I've broken into his house?
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  #2203 (permalink)  
Old 09-29-2011, 06:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
So there I was, in Elton John's Manor House, sitting at his grand piano, playing out my rendition of Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata', trying to remember how it went, when I suddenly thought to myself....


I wonder if he knows I've broken into his house?
Forced your way in at the rear ?
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  #2204 (permalink)  
Old 09-29-2011, 07:06 AM
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LMAO - - - note to self: "clean the former mouth full of coffee off of the monitor screen and surrounding furniture !"
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  #2205 (permalink)  
Old 09-29-2011, 07:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
LMAO - - - note to self: "clean the former mouth full of coffee off of the monitor screen and surrounding furniture !"
"Subtle" British humor gets ya every time


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