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  #2206 (permalink)  
Old 09-29-2011, 08:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
Forced your way in at the rear ?



S'pose it brings new meaning to 'smashed his back doors in'

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  #2207 (permalink)  
Old 10-05-2011, 12:26 PM
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Finally a car joke:

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss the use of his car. His father said: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair....and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." His Dad calmly replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
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  #2208 (permalink)  
Old 10-05-2011, 02:02 PM
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Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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  #2209 (permalink)  
Old 10-05-2011, 04:11 PM
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I've been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder.

I get easily distracted because my head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes...
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  #2210 (permalink)  
Old 10-05-2011, 05:19 PM
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Caution/advice

Three people having sex is a -Threesome.
Two people having sex is a - Twosome.
So next time someone calls you - Handsome, don't take it as a compliment!
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  #2211 (permalink)  
Old 10-05-2011, 05:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave57210
Three people having sex is a -Threesome.
Two people having sex is a - Twosome.
So next time someone calls you - Handsome, don't take it as a compliment!
Does that mean that Red Green is a pervert?
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  #2212 (permalink)  
Old 10-05-2011, 09:55 PM
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ha ha

"Tee" Boudreaux's Chores

Tee Boudreaux (Boudreaux Jr.) came downstairs for breakfast this morning, and when he sat at the table, his Momma, Marie, asked him if he had done his chores yet. Tee Boudreaux told her, "Mais, not yet, Momma." So Marie told him he had to do them before he got breakfast. Tee Boudreaux, not real happy now, proceeded to go out to the barnyard to feed the chickens. After he fed them, he kicked one of the chickens. Next he fed the pigs, and then kicked one of them. Then he milked the cow, and sure enough, kicked the cow, too. Walking back in the house, he found that his Momma had put a bowl of dry cereal on the table for him. So he says, "Momma, where's my eggs and bacon ?" Marie tells him, "Tee Boudreaux, I was watchin' you through de window, an' I saw you kick dat chicken. So you don't get no eggs. Den I saw you kick de pig, so you don't get no bacon. And den you kicked de cow, so dat's why you don't get no milk for your cereal." About that time, big Boudreaux comes walking down the stairs, and almost tripped over the family cat, and proceeds to kick the cat across the room. Tee Boudreaux looks at his Momma and asks her, "You wants to tell him, or should I ?"
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  #2213 (permalink)  
Old 10-08-2011, 10:47 AM
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A young man was shopping in a supermarket when he noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped and furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said:
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the shop, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the shop, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved, smiled back at him and was gone.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someones day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the assistant.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items." He said.
The assistant replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
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  #2214 (permalink)  
Old 10-08-2011, 12:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
A young man was shopping in a supermarket when he noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped and furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said:
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the shop, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the shop, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved, smiled back at him and was gone.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someones day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the assistant.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items." He said.
The assistant replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Wicked old person.
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  #2215 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2011, 02:13 PM
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A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, which is a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too, getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

"Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house AND the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" He screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24!'





'******* me!' Says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!!"
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  #2216 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2011, 02:10 PM
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"The thing about quotes on the Internet is you can not confirm their validity." --- Abraham Lincoln
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Always learning...and sharing what I've learned. The Scratch-Built Hot Rod.
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  #2217 (permalink)  
Old 10-12-2011, 03:51 AM
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I was chatting up a carnie girl in the bar last night when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place for a good time.

She wasn't kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train....I even came home with a goldfish!
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  #2218 (permalink)  
Old 10-12-2011, 09:01 AM
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  #2219 (permalink)  
Old 10-16-2011, 04:34 AM
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I thought my new girlfriend was the one for me. But when I looked in her knicker drawer, I found a nurse's outfit, a french maid's outfit and a policewoman's uniform!

So I dumped her. She obviously can't hold down a job!!!
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  #2220 (permalink)  
Old 10-16-2011, 12:51 PM
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Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others said.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter said.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they said.
"A tough call," said the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"


Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia, and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then said, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he said, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba said, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man said, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carol-ina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put one bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious, he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man said, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby said, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man said, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper said, "Got any ID?"
The driver said, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff said, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see 'at sign right over your head."
"Yep," he said. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North
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