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  #211 (permalink)  
Old 03-05-2008, 08:02 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Funny jokes on here, just too damn long. Here's a short one for ya :

Should children witness child birth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very dark so
the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby. Very
diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to
cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her
help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she
thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen
quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place......spank him again!'

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Last edited by 70 ElCam; 03-06-2008 at 05:19 AM.
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  #212 (permalink)  
Old 03-06-2008, 03:41 AM
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A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." The interviewer nodded & asked: "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" Replied the boy. "And if the lever was broken?" Asked the interviewer. "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The interviewer asked. The boy went silent for a few moments & finally replied: "I'd run into town and get my uncle". "Is your uncle an electrician?" Asked the interviewer. "No", replied the boy, "But he's never seen a train crash before!"
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  #213 (permalink)  
Old 03-06-2008, 07:01 AM
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TWO LADIES TALKING IN HEAVEN

1st woman: Hi! My name is Nan.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sarah. How'd you die?

NAN: I froze to death.

SARAH: How horrible!

NAN: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

SARAH: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

NAN: So, what happened?

SARAH: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

NAN: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive.
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  #214 (permalink)  
Old 03-07-2008, 09:58 AM
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Why doesn't viagra work on rednecks?


'Cos they're only hard when they've got ten friends standing behind them.
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  #215 (permalink)  
Old 03-08-2008, 10:54 AM
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Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a
poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.
I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick
so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high
strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I
even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been
happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep."
The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday
she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick
up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over
and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I
couldn't help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
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  #216 (permalink)  
Old 03-09-2008, 08:44 AM
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Bob was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
"Why did the foreman fire you?” The friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Bob said, “You know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” Replied his friend, “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy!” Answered Bob. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”



***************************


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked: "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied: "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said: "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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  #217 (permalink)  
Old 03-10-2008, 07:12 PM
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A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'But, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'Every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out...... Now, how about that drink?'
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  #218 (permalink)  
Old 03-11-2008, 10:13 AM
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A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife: “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts”.

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said: “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s going to start”.

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said: “Quick, another beer before it starts”.

“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You b@stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed. “Damn, it’s started”.
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  #219 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2008, 05:50 PM
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Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.



"Fred," he replies.



"Fred what?" the officer asks.



"Just Fred," the man responds.



The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.



The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"



The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.



"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.



"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."



The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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  #220 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2008, 06:35 PM
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Best Friend Test



Proof of who is your best friend

This will dispel all rumours. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and wife in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, you'll find out which one is really happy to see you.
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  #221 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2008, 03:11 PM
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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough, as they could not afford a larger
bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told
him that
he and his cousin didn't want to have any more
children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called
a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it
was expensive. "A less
costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go
home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it
in a beer can, then hold the can up
to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian s aid to the doctor, "I may not be
the smartest tool in the shed, but I
don't see how put ting a ch erry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to
help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it
in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

" 2"


"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

Last edited by Bad Rat; 03-13-2008 at 10:48 PM.
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  #222 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2008, 03:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bad Rat
This procedure also works in Tennessee ,
Kentucky , Arkansas , Texas ,
Louisiana , Georgia , Mississippi, Florida ,
West Virginia and Washington D.C
that is not "Punny"
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  #223 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2008, 10:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
that is not "Punny"

NO PUN intended
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  #224 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2008, 10:53 PM
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ANNIVERSARY


> On that fateful day, March 14, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his
> bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.
>
>
> William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the
> hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
>
>
> Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we
> pouring concrete today?"
>
>

Last edited by Bad Rat; 03-14-2008 at 11:15 AM.
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  #225 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2008, 07:55 AM
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A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes. During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Last edited by dinger; 03-14-2008 at 08:05 AM.
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