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  #2236 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2011, 06:59 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Funny stuff but serious too - - - - don't put it off, Y'all - - - IMHO, "the Duke" would still be alive, if he'd only had one done earlier in his life.
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  #2237 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2011, 02:21 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards, claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”
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  #2238 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2011, 05:36 AM
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For those of you old enough to remember Richard “Red” Skelton, I think you will enjoy these. For those of you not old enough, you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE


1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds..
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .....

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start or contain many "forbidden"four-letter words. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless", with a big smile on his face.
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  #2239 (permalink)  
Old 11-01-2011, 01:02 AM
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A recent survey found that 1 in 3 women were just as stupid as the other two.
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  #2240 (permalink)  
Old 11-01-2011, 05:41 AM
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God's Sense of Humor



While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world..........










And then He made the earth round .
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  #2241 (permalink)  
Old 11-01-2011, 10:45 AM
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A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.


He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.
Funeral is on Thursday at noon.
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  #2242 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2011, 11:44 AM
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I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
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  #2243 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2011, 12:12 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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LMAO - - - - now I have to clean part of my lunch off of my Monitor Screen
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  #2244 (permalink)  
Old 11-03-2011, 02:05 PM
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Subject: Cowboy condom purchase...











Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.




CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?



Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
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  #2245 (permalink)  
Old 11-04-2011, 02:55 PM
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Lassie

Remember the old LASSIE TV show?
This episode was never shown:

Woof-wof-bark

Whats that Lassie?

Woof-wof-Bark

Timmie's in trouble?

bark-wof

He fell into the well?

bark-bark

Timmie fell into the well?

bark-bark woof-woof bark woof wof

Yes, I know, that's the third time this week that the moron kid has fallen into the well

bark-bark,

Am I gonna have to get him out again?

bark-yip whine bark wof

Yes, Lassie you're right - its his own fault

yip yip bark woof yip yip

Yes, I agree, Lassie - lets see what's on TV
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  #2246 (permalink)  
Old 11-07-2011, 06:10 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Red,Fred and Bob. As they start their descent, Bob slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Fred says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife. Red says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser Fred says, 'Where did you get that beer, Red'
'Bob's wife gave it to me,' Red replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Red says 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Bob's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
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  #2247 (permalink)  
Old 11-07-2011, 01:51 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Check for Alzheimers

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10.. This is for cat.
11.. This is forty cat.
12.. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and
...... I bet you cannot resist passing it on ...
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  #2248 (permalink)  
Old 11-08-2011, 03:52 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE Man of Your House.

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.'
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal,
you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your dumb ***** cremated."
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  #2249 (permalink)  
Old 11-08-2011, 09:11 PM
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Some of you know me pretty well and a few of you have likely been with me when I've maybe had a little too much too drink.

Some of you may have also felt the effects of one too many. We talk a lot about DUIs and the dangers of driving home in our cars in that condition but we always just hop in our cars and drive home thinking it'll be alright this time.

Well, I want to share with you something very important that happened to me this week. I was at one of my favorite establishments - again a little tipsy. I made a big decision when I left. I decided against getting in my car.

Instead I took a bus, and I was pleasantly surprised. The ride was great. The bus was clean, and I was simply amazed...I didn't even know I could drive a bus.
__________________
Always learning...and sharing what I've learned. The Scratch-Built Hot Rod.
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  #2250 (permalink)  
Old 11-11-2011, 08:38 AM
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More truth than humor here but I didn't want to start another thread for this !

Having been bombarded, for more than two years, with countless stories of the hikers held prisoner in Iran , and having had quite enough of the political correctness so invasive in our daily lexicon, I have decided that somebody needs to say SOMETHING which is politically DIRECT about this whole situation. So, here we go…An open letter to the “hikers.”

Dear…’Hikers,’
What the hell is wrong with you people? Do you come by your stupidity genetically or is it a byproduct of your ideology?
Perhaps both.
The Iranians said you were spies but that can’t possibly be true…you’re far to brain dead to be spies.I’m going to go out on a limb here and take a wild shot at it…You’re all liberals aren’t you? You went HIKING. Hiking is good. Hiking doesn’t leave a carbon footprint regardless of the amount of fossil fuel you burned to GET to your starting point. You shouldn’t be allowed to walk around the block without supervision. You could have gone for a walk in the park, or hiked on a trail in the mountains – but NOOOOOOOOO.
YOU MORONS!! You decided to go hiking along the border between Iran and Iraq . What exactly did you THINK was going to happen? Did you think you were going to meet a bunch of Iraqi or Iranian hippy freaks and exchange wildflowers and maybe share some weed? You didn’t go over there for some noble purpose like building a school or to provide medical services or even to help rebuild a road or a bridge. You went ‘hiking’ in a war zone next to a country that hates us.
Seriously…what the hell???
You managed to wander from the Iraqi side of the border over to the Iranian side. What? No map? No GPS? No common sense…what? Did the Iranians not know the words to Kum ba yah??
You went to Iranian jail didn’t you? All three of you – but one of you got to go home early because of your delicate constitution, didn’t you? Did you enjoy your two years in Iranian jail? Did you??
The Omanis bailed your sorry butts out of stir – but had they asked ME, I would have told them to save their money and let you rot. As far as I’m concerned, the Iranians could have kept you but as it is now…WE’RE stuck with you again and, frankly, it’s a waste of our effort to watch over you numb nuts.
Oh happy, happy joy, joy…you’re on your way home. When you get here, no doubt you’ll be treated like celebrities and the media will be knocking at your collective doors. I’m sure you’ll either sell your story to People magazine or, maybe first, you’ll grace the pages of Newsweek with a cover stating…’We’re All Iranian Prisoners Now!’ You’ll tell us you were ‘well treated,’ and you’ll thank everybody who arranged for your release.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you thanked Ahmadinejad.
Do you three have ANY idea what REALLY happened? ANY IDEA???
You weren’t ‘arrested’ for being ‘spies’ you were KIDNAPPED for being AMERICANS. You weren’t ‘released’ after a ‘court’ hearing; you were PUT ON DISPLAY and RANSOMED. Now, because of YOU, dictators and other criminals around the world KNOW they can kidnap Americans and get paid to let them go. YOU slackers have made the world MORE dangerous for Americans. Think about that while you give your interviews and sell your ‘story.’
For future reference, here are some things you need to learn. Don’t lay on railroad track. Bad things will happen if you do. Don’t play in traffic. Bad things will happen if you do.. Don’t run with scissors. Bad things will happen if you do. Don’t try to pretend you and grizzly bears are friends. Bad things will happen if you do.
DON’T GO HIKING IN A WAR ZONE NEAR IRANIANS WITH GUNS. BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DO.
One more thing:
Never…I repeat NEVER…seek employment as a hiking guide. Bad things will happen to others if you do.”
Idiots!
PINHEADS!!!
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