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  #2266 (permalink)  
Old 11-14-2011, 11:01 AM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger
A Biker was standing in a bar the other day and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to him. After awhile the bikers says to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”

He gets this perturbed expression on his face and says “No, and why hell you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?”

“No”, He says, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little ****** **** ****.
Dang you Dinger, a "clear mouth of all liquids Warning!" was definitely needed here.

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  #2267 (permalink)  
Old 11-14-2011, 12:12 PM
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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  #2268 (permalink)  
Old 11-14-2011, 07:41 PM
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Little Prayer

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my tennis coach dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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  #2269 (permalink)  
Old 11-15-2011, 01:19 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day
when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from?
How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing, " he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman.
"I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island . The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. "
"But, where did you get the tools? "
"Oh, that was no problem, " replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware. "
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs. "
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,"We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Golf Course?"
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  #2270 (permalink)  
Old 11-15-2011, 07:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
[I] A hillside in Holland ?
Betcha it was Wisconsin. don't ya Know, Eh?
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  #2271 (permalink)  
Old 11-18-2011, 05:00 AM
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A bad day

If your day starts out like this ......GO HOME and lock the door it'll only get worse........http://www.streetfire.net/video/craz...Wrecks+His+Car


BTW ,his car was the one on the left.......
It almost happend to me but I couldnt figure out why the key wouldnt turn.........and before I got mad the owner got there..........actually we had a pretty good laugh ,same car ,color ,everything....good reason to lock your doors...
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  #2272 (permalink)  
Old 11-18-2011, 08:47 AM
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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota,takes a lightning- quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena , is still a Virgin-in every vay.'
The doctor told him, 'Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can.
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olaf... you are the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Olaf immediately drops his pants and replies,'Look at dis Lena , still in DA CRATE!
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  #2273 (permalink)  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:39 AM
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Aphorism's

APHORISM:
A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important. . .because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . . and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . . . . . . but it's still a gift.


and REMEMBER....
"POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON".
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  #2274 (permalink)  
Old 11-19-2011, 08:13 PM
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Nag Joke

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Reminds me of Al & Peggy Bundy.

If it's already been Posted, Oh well. I've missed many pages in this Thread.
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  #2275 (permalink)  
Old 11-19-2011, 08:34 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SSedan64
If it's already been Posted, Oh well. I've missed many pages in this Thread.
How could you have missed many pages in this thread?

Spend a rainy day, and read through it all. You will enjoy it!

I for one look forward to new post's in it. LOL
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  #2276 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2011, 07:38 AM
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This morning, I was diagnosed as having a chronic fear of giants.


It's called 'Feefiphobia'.
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  #2277 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2011, 11:07 PM
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I think I have this drink driving thing beaten.
Drove my car to the bar, stayed quite awhile.
But decided to take a bus home.
Really proud of myself.
Hadn't ever driven a bus before.
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  #2278 (permalink)  
Old 11-25-2011, 08:39 PM
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me...



Son, we seriously need to talk!!
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  #2279 (permalink)  
Old 11-26-2011, 04:12 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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I understand that you don't have a ton of extra time to read books,
So, I've compiled a short list of books that can be read at a single sitting.

World's Shortest Books

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
___________________________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_____________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
GUIDE TO: THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
_______________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
______________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
__________________________________________________ __

HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL
BY THE DETROIT LIONS
__________________________________________________ _

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
__________________________________________________ ______
AND, JUST ADDED:

And the shortest book of them all...
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
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  #2280 (permalink)  
Old 11-26-2011, 10:58 PM
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Kites

So there I was this morning, trying to show my neighbor's kid how to get his kite up in the air (he's sorta like Charlie Brown). As I ran with it, it would go up, twist and then nosedive into the ground.

My wife was watching and getting exasperated with me, so she grumbled about having to tell me how to EVERYTHING so she opened the door and yelled out "You need more TAIL!"

I turned back to her and said "Will you make up your mind? Last night you told me to go fly a kite!! "
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