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  #2281 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2011, 06:17 AM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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went to the doctor
he said, you're getting older
and you need more exercise
so I get up and I stretch
"crrrrraaaacccckkkk"
then I do some deep knee bends
"crrrrruuunnccchhh"
and finally I do some sit-ups
"snnnnnaaaappppp"
HELL, I ain't old
I'm just too damned "Crispy"

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  #2282 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2011, 06:59 AM
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So, two men and a woman are shipwrecked. They have everything they need to survive quite nicely, until the matter of sex arises.

They decide amicably that the woman will spend 3 nights a week with each of them, and on the seventh have a day off.
This arrangement works fine for a while, until the unfortunate lady catches a tropical fever and dies.

What were the two men to do? Well, they mull the problem over, then one says 'look, I know we're not normally that way inclined, but we both have physical needs and nobody need ever know after we are rescued. It can be a private affair, between you and me' .

And so things jog along quite nicely for a while. However, after a few weeks, one turns to the other and says:

'I know it was only a matter of convenience, but I have to be frank. This really isn't in my nature, I don't feel comfortable with what we're doing. I think I would like to stop'

His companion says:

'You're right, I don't feel good about this either.'

So they buried her.
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  #2283 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2011, 09:11 AM
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
Nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!'
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  #2284 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2011, 01:27 PM
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God's Sense of Humor



While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world..........










And then He made the earth round.
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  #2285 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2011, 01:35 PM
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Subject: HYMN # 365

The Minister was completing a Thanksgiving temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down..

The Choir Director stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing,'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
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  #2286 (permalink)  
Old 11-30-2011, 08:02 AM
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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?


a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate Paddy, told him the circumstances, and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin’ hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple-it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m fookin’ sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin’ clock!
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  #2287 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 06:13 PM
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Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!
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  #2288 (permalink)  
Old 12-01-2011, 10:53 PM
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Good one^^^.

Reminds me of a few on here sometimes>> http://thehayride.com/2011/08/the-donkey-whisperer/ they just wont listen to good advice.

More attentive than most people >> http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/lXKDu6cdXLI?rel=0
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  #2289 (permalink)  
Old 12-02-2011, 12:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SSedan64
Good one^^^.

Reminds me of a few on here sometimes>> http://thehayride.com/2011/08/the-donkey-whisperer/ they just wont listen to good advice.

More attentive than most people >> http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/lXKDu6cdXLI?rel=0
I would vote for the donkey whisperer.
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  #2290 (permalink)  
Old 12-02-2011, 10:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deadbodyman
If your day starts out like this ......GO HOME and lock the door it'll only get worse........

BTW ,his car was the one on the left.......
It almost happend to me but I couldnt figure out why the key wouldnt turn.........and before I got mad the owner got there..........actually we had a pretty good laugh ,same car ,color ,everything....good reason to lock your doors...
Did that with a rental car. Key worked fine and if the ashtray hadn't been full I probably would have driven away. I just shut it off, locked it up and walked to my rental parked two spaces away.
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  #2291 (permalink)  
Old 12-05-2011, 10:57 AM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said,
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"



His eye is still swollen....but it will get better....
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  #2292 (permalink)  
Old 12-05-2011, 08:15 PM
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An elderly German gent in the library asks the assistant for a book on WAR.
"No way" she snaps back.
"You lost the last two"
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  #2293 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2011, 09:53 AM
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The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."


T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.


Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......





Ate the cookies........


Drank the milk.....


***** on the paper.......





Screwed the other three cats.........


Claimed he injured his back while doing so.



Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......



Put in for Workers Compensation..................and

Went home for the rest of the month on sick leave............


AND THAT, MY FRIENDS IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
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  #2294 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2011, 04:43 PM
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Disgusting Socially Unacceptable Humor

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said
that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg."


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At
least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!

Do you think I should change dentists?



A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die
you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "You're obviously not listening".



The wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.



At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the
other day.

I lost by two points: One question was: Where do women
mostly have curly hair?

Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!



The other question that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.



There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.





A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a mustache."




Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a
recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk,

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you
sick bastard."



The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan.

I said we would love to, but our garden hose only
reaches the driveway.
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  #2295 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2011, 09:51 AM
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The Seven Kinds Of Sex.


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for so long that when you pass eachother in the hallway, you both say: 'Screw you!'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex, You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
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