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  #2311 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2011, 08:58 AM
dinger's Avatar
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A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.


Sorta brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

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  #2312 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:52 PM
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You know you have a drinking problem when you're asked to toast some bread and you raise your beer high and say: "To bread!"
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  #2313 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2011, 09:12 PM
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Subject: Christmas Eating Tips


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single malt
scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink
up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as
if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you
think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out
of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10 pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.

Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
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  #2314 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:39 PM
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Watch out for the ice

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.
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  #2315 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2011, 09:54 AM
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TOOL DEFINATIONS AND USES

DRILL
PRESS: A tall
upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE
WHEEL: Cleans
paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the
speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****!'

SKIL
SAW: A
portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to
round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT
SANDER: An
electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a
family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally
used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

OXYACETYLENE
TORCH: Used
almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to
remove a bearing race.

TABLE
SAW: A large
stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
integrity.

HYDRAULIC
FLOOR JACK: Used for
lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake
shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND
SAW: A large
stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet
into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON
ENGINE HOIST: A tool
for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.

PHILLIPS
SCREWDRIVER: Normally
used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin
oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT
SCREWDRIVER: A tool
for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY
BAR: A tool
used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE
CUTTER: A tool
used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally
employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
hit. It is especially valuable
at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the
other hand.

UTILITY
KNIFE: Used to
open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids
in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

SON-OF-A-*****
TOOL: (A
personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs.. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found
this informative.

THINK
SAFETY--
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  #2316 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2011, 10:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bad Rat
TOOL DEFINITIONS AND USES



THINK
SAFETY--
BR - I've used every one of those tools to the best of their definitions in the past few days and am on the way to start over, complete with currently red soaked bandages.

Dave W
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  #2317 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2011, 01:59 PM
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Same here, Dave, and everytime I read it I LOL at the wire wheel definition. What a perfect description.
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  #2318 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2011, 09:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Same here, Dave, and everytime I read it I LOL at the wire wheel definition. What a perfect description.
two ton hoist
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  #2319 (permalink)  
Old 12-22-2011, 08:18 AM
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My first is in NEW YORK but not in CHICAGO
My second is in COURT and also in SHOCK
My third is in VEGAS but not in WASHINGTON
My fourth is in HIDING and also DENIAL
My fifth is in BASEMENT and also in CHAINS





Anyway, enough about my victims.......
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  #2320 (permalink)  
Old 12-22-2011, 09:46 PM
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Pachyderms

To those who are obsessed with pachyderms, everything else is irrelephant!
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  #2321 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2011, 12:41 PM
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Not sure if this has been posted before, but....

Mrs. Goldberg learns that her son Lenny has taken a young woman as his new roommate, so she gets herself invited to dinner to meet the girl. Lenny and Sharon get out the best dishes and silverware and cook a nice dinner to try to impress her.

At dinner Mrs. Goldberg notices that Sharon is stunning, and she can't stop watching the interaction of the two roommates.

"I know what you're thinking, Mom," says Lenny, "but Sharon and I are only roommates. There's nothing else going on. She has her bedroom and I have mine, and we're nothing more than good friends."

Mrs. Goldberg continues to appear disapproving. "Nothing at all?" she says. "There's no physical relationship?" "Of course not," Lenny protests. "There's nothing going on between us."

Later that evening, after Mrs. Goldberg had left, Lenny and Sharon notice that their fancy crystal sugar bowl is missing. They search the apartment with no success. "I cannot believe that my mother would have taken it," Lenny says. "It must be here somewhere." The next day they still haven't found it, but Lenny can't bring himself to call his mother about it.

After several more days Lenny gets up the nerve to call his mother and confront her about this. "Mom, I don't mean to accuse you of anything, but our crystal sugar bowl is missing, and we can't find it anywhere. Did you take it?"

"Lenny, my dear," Mrs. Goldberg says, "I don't mean to accuse you of anything, but if Sharon were sleeping in her own bed she'd have found the sugar bowl by now."
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  #2322 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2011, 12:44 PM
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Wiffy's been after me since Thanksgiving to put
up the danged Christmas Tree. I know it's almost
Christmas but at least it's "UP" !
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  #2323 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2011, 01:14 PM
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The following singles ad in The Atlanta Journal received numerous calls…


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 876-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Keep scrolling, it's clean.........





... Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-month old black Labrador retriever.


Men are so easy
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  #2324 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2011, 01:23 PM
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Acceptable Christmas (Holiday?) greetings from Poncho's lawyer

I wanted to send some sort of
holiday greeting to friends and family, but it is difficult in today's
world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met
with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following :


Good morning/afternoon/evening,

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress ,
non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice
holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious
persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the
religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or
their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the
calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make our country great ( not to imply that Canada is
necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the
race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, please be advised that you are accepting
these terms : This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It is freely transferable on the proviso that there is no alteration
to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is
void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion
of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the
usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until
the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards ( without prejudice )
Name withheld ( Privacy Act )
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Last edited by Irelands child; 12-23-2011 at 01:39 PM.
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  #2325 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2011, 03:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Wiffy's been after me since Thanksgiving to put
up the danged Christmas Tree. I know it's almost
Christmas but at least it's "UP" !
we used to draw some ornaments on them with a marker
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