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  #2326 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2011, 06:28 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.


Cherry Mristmas

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  #2327 (permalink)  
Old 12-25-2011, 03:11 AM
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Kim Jong-Un promises a new clear future for North Korea.



Oops, spelt 'nuclear' wrong....
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  #2328 (permalink)  
Old 12-25-2011, 03:12 AM
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I gave the wife some pearls for Christmas.



One was: 'Don't leave the windows open next year & we might not get burgled!'
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  #2329 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2011, 08:31 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but complain since you got here.'
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  #2330 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2011, 02:59 PM
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Giving Up Chocolate

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate."
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  #2331 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2011, 03:01 PM
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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."
...
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One".

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
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  #2332 (permalink)  
Old 12-29-2011, 06:43 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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"Fail WINNER 2011"
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  #2333 (permalink)  
Old 12-29-2011, 07:09 AM
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Women are so good at multi-tasking! My wife once used the toaster while taking a bath.


Well, that's what I told the coroner.
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  #2334 (permalink)  
Old 12-29-2011, 11:32 AM
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A retired man went into the Job Center and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. "The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."
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  #2335 (permalink)  
Old 12-31-2011, 03:21 AM
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  #2336 (permalink)  
Old 01-01-2012, 01:43 AM
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Alcohol is proof of a kind and loving God.
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  #2337 (permalink)  
Old 01-02-2012, 03:54 PM
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The star of the football team has a blind dad who always comes to his games, even though he cant see his son play.

Well, one day he gets very sick and dies before the night of his big game. The team is expecting him to slack off, mourning the death of his dad.

But he played the best game he ever had, making the winning touchdown and many amazing plays. The coach is amazed, and he has to ask, " How did you play so well, even after your own father has passed?



"He looks at him and he says " This is the first time my dad has ever seen me play. "
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  #2338 (permalink)  
Old 01-03-2012, 04:16 AM
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  #2339 (permalink)  
Old 01-04-2012, 02:17 PM
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Thank you for getting me through the year 2011.... Happy New Year....


As we progressed through to the end of 2011 and now into 2012, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the theater because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
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  #2340 (permalink)  
Old 01-04-2012, 06:23 PM
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I've had daily sex ever since I can remember.



Sorry, 'dyslexia'.
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