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  #2341 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2012, 01:18 AM
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Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Viper than on a bicycle.....

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  #2342 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2012, 10:17 AM
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The Canadian Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like a friggin idiot on the bus this morning!
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"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #2343 (permalink)  
Old 01-08-2012, 12:02 PM
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$7.00 sex

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out an ything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
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  #2344 (permalink)  
Old 01-09-2012, 04:40 AM
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Finding funny, kind and attractive women is hard and getting one of them to sleep with you even harder. You can understand the temptation to use drugs like rohypnol, which apparently enables you to do whatever you like to any woman.

I found it just made me really sleepy.
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  #2345 (permalink)  
Old 01-09-2012, 07:01 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today,
I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year ! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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  #2346 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2012, 03:47 AM
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  #2347 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2012, 09:29 AM
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Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!
'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem.. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a politician, there's nothing left but an ******* and a briefcase.'
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  #2348 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2012, 09:34 AM
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Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
Then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
And never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
Cane instead of his gun.."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
Sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
Shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if It were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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  #2349 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2012, 03:09 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Sorry if this is offensive to anyone...........................naaah.

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  #2350 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2012, 03:13 PM
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  #2351 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2012, 03:41 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
Sorry if this is offensive to anyone...........................naaah.

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  #2352 (permalink)  
Old 01-15-2012, 08:15 AM
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I went into a sports shop and said to the guy behind the counter:

"I'd like a pair of shin pads, please,"

"Certainly, sir," says the assistant. "For football, cricket or ice hockey?"

I said: "For telling dirty jokes during Sunday lunch."
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  #2353 (permalink)  
Old 01-15-2012, 08:25 AM
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My wife's father said to me, "Ten grand to never see my daughter again."

I said, "Okay, that sounds like a deal." So I gave him the ten grand, packed my bags and left.
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  #2354 (permalink)  
Old 01-15-2012, 09:53 AM
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An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
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  #2355 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2012, 06:31 AM
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I think I had something at lunchtime that disagreed with me.

In fact, I'm sure of it...I was having a meal with the wife and her mother.
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