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  #2356 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2012, 04:56 AM
Job~Rated's Avatar
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So, Wikipedia has been blacked out for 24 hours.

An article on Wikipedia stated that this was the most significant event in modern history since Hitler invented the light bulb.
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  #2357 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2012, 05:42 AM
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I hate it when men say women don't deserve rights!

My wife deserves all the hooks and jabs she gets.
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  #2358 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2012, 08:52 AM
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A Ventriloquist with his dummy on a knee starts his act. One bit requires his dummy to tell Dumb-Blonde Jokes.

After a few jokes, an angry blonde woman finally stands up and starts speaking her mind. "I have had it with the stereotyping of all blondes being stupid!" the woman yells, and she continues ranting on about this.

Finally, the ventriloquist says, "Sorry ma'am ..."


The woman cuts him off by saying, "You stay out of this. I'm talkin' to the dummy."
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  #2359 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2012, 10:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
So, Wikipedia has been blacked out for 24 hours.

An article on Wikipedia stated that this was the most significant event in modern history since Hitler invented the light bulb.

I thot it was Kim Jong-Il who invented that - Didn't he do that on the same day he shot 12 hole-in-one's on first try ever at golfing?
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  #2360 (permalink)  
Old 01-19-2012, 01:52 AM
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On a bitterly cold winter's morning, a husband and wife in the snow-bound UK were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 16 to 20 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so that the snow ploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 20 to 24 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so that the snow ploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio Announcer says, "We are expecting 24 to 28 cm of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face, she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then, with the love and understanding in his voice that all men exhibit when they have been married for a while, the husband replied. "Why don't you just leave the ******* car in the garage this time?"
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  #2361 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2012, 03:05 PM
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Got my concealed carry permit the other day.
· Shot my first turkey yesterday.
· Scared the stuffing out of everyone in the frozen food section.
· It was awesome.
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  #2362 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2012, 04:51 PM
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I was eating breakfast with my 13-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is the 20th of February?"

She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln... Etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...
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  #2363 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2012, 10:59 AM
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SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”


No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
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  #2364 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2012, 02:51 AM
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My colleagues reckon I'm quite patronising.

I told them they wouldn't understand.
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  #2365 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2012, 05:13 AM
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patriot

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business,
waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American
slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of
their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,
stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit
the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in
the car.For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man... that could have been me!"

So today; bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
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  #2366 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2012, 07:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. T
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business,
waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American
slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of
their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,
stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit
the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in
the car.For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man... that could have been me!"

So today; bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
TEAMSTERS local 252
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  #2367 (permalink)  
Old 01-24-2012, 08:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. T
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business,
waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American
slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of
their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,
stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit
the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in
the car.For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man... that could have been me!"

So today; bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
LMAO! And I am stealing this one fer shure!
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  #2368 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2012, 06:22 AM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
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  #2369 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2012, 06:39 AM
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As I blew the candles out on my birthday cake, my girlfriend said joyfully "Make a wish."

Later the next day, my wish came true. She was killed in a terrible car crash.

It wasn't exactly what I wished for, but at least the insurance is giving me a new truck.
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  #2370 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2012, 05:51 AM
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I went to a restaurant today and ordered a chicken sandwich and an egg sandwich, just to see which would come first.
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